UnNews:Slavery will fix the economy, new study suggests
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Slavery will fix the economy, new study suggests
Democracy Dies with Dignity
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 06:43:UTC)(
9 September 2014
Fluorideville, Babylon -- A think tank study has announced that today, the human race has reached a new landmark where the top 1% of net worth individuals now have a combined wealth of over 50% of all wealth on Earth, and can now legally enslave the rest of the human population and their descendants indefinitely, which was recommended by the think tank to be implemented in order to reduce unemployment rates.
Since the early 20th century, and especially the period of time since the most recent financial crisis of 2008, many different ways of transferring money from the poor to the rich under the guise of human progress have been successfully implemented to the point where interest rates have become so high that the lower 99% net worth individuals and all of their descendants can be kept in perpetual servitude until they die from overwork, starvation, or execution for being too old. The United States and most other countries have already signed bills making the mammalian bipeds of their respective countries the guarantors of public debts, and following the news of the new study and recommendation to begin moving towards a post-freedom economy, leaders all around the world have decreed that the citizens of all countries now have to repay their share of the debts of their respective countries, which if not paid for, will perpetually incur interest rates of 28% per year, ensuring that over 99% of the human population and their descendants remain slaves unto eternity.
It was also announced by President Barack Obama's face following the recent news of global slavery that the unfunded liabilities of entitlement programs including Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare; when all three of these liabilities are added to the more commonly known public debt amount, the total approaches the $124.5 trillion mark, or $402,912.14 for every man, woman and child in America. This debt amount places over 99.7% of U.S. citizens into servitude after the real estate value collapse that will occur when peasants attempt to sell their worthless cardboard homes to one another to try to pay off their debt.
James Hallowell, a former civil engineer who has been unemployed since 2008 and currently detained in Chicago until sold, will now finally have the opportunity to work for the rest of his life, as a slave. One of his final acts as a free man is to purchase a lawnmower and set of gardening tools, which he will be allowed to mention along with how he has experience pruning trees, which will certainly be a useful skill in the estates of any master who would buy him. After receiving permission to speak by the slave auction guard, who himself is a slave, James says that he "hopes showing potential buyers that he is prepared will increase his apparent usefulness and show his eagerness to please". If he is purchased by a particularly wealthy and benevolent slave master, it is possible for his great grandchildren to become free humans if he and his descendants are allowed to breed and are fortunate enough to have desirable daughters that may be chosen as concubines, which is the slavery role expected to be most likely to result in the forgiveness of servitude by their masters.
Following the breaking news, Apple announced that they would be ceasing production of their useless shit they have been making to milk the stupid fucking retarded human population of all of their wealth, and instead of displaying the shitty phone and watch they had planned for their keynote address in Cupertino, CA, they would be displaying their iSlave line of products catering to tech-savvy masters who want to get the most out of their new slaves. In the new iSlave line of products is the flagship iHappySlave neurological electro-stimulation implant, which automatically stimulates the nucleus accumbens region of the brain in a highly addictive and controlled measuring of stimulation whenever slaves perform assigned tasks at the correct times with increasing stimulation for performing tasks faster. This flagship device allows masters to program into the device exact instructions for slaves to perform at different times of day, different days, and may schedule up to 100 years in advance for masters who wish to make their slaves highly automated. Other noteworthy devices are iChargeSlave, which places a solar panel on the forehead of a slave and allows it to provide charging to the USB devices of masters, and iBeGoodSlave, which allows for the 24/7 streaming of educational and subliminal video and audio to slaves with over 10,000 hours of training materials to indoctrinate slaves as to how to perform slave tasks, behavior, language, and accents.
After using a newly acquired slave as a toilet, President Obama made a public speech to his newly feudalistic nation, informing the country that unemployment rates around the world have finally reached 0% for all of eternity, with no slaves allowed to retired, and that the new order of things would last in this world so long as the Earth itself can support life. And that when humans start to infect other planets with their cancerous stupidity, slaves and masters alike will go to the stars, ensuring that slaves will always have work operating the resource mines on other planets, and being jet pack vehicles on which their masters sit to zip through the rings of Saturn in our Brave New World.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|