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8 DECEMBER 2012
New Delhi, India
It started on Tuesday morning, at around 8:32 AM, when Siva was dragged out of his home at Kailaasa Mountain in the Himalayas, briefly after he murdered a man at Trivandrum. Although Siva is the Destroyer, it still is a big no-no to murder a man at a convenience store if he's merely buying a slushee. Despite his self-given right, Siva was taken through the due process of the law.
It was found out at court that the murder at the convenience store - which was recorded in its entirety by a hidden camera of which Siva was not aware of - was in fact not the first time the Hindu god has killed a man. In fact, it was estimated that Siva has killed at least 16 billion different people. Said Judge Yoratajaniish, who is a self-proclaimed Jack Hindu, "Whether or not this in fact Siva the Destroyer, or if it's just the Siva from that Smashing Pumpkins song, I do not know. However, what I do know - as does every other man and woman in this court room - is that Siva is guilty for murdering a man in a second-rate convenience store in Trivandrum on the morning of December 4, 2012. The tape I am holding in my right hand does not lie. He is guilty of murder of one man in Trivandrum, as well at least 15,999,999,999 other unnamed victims."
To make matters worse, another storeowner named Rajit Nahasapeemapetilon, who insisted was in no way related to the beloved Kwik-E-Mart owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, claimed that Siva is also guilty of identity theft, as he bought items with different credit cards using different names. Some of the fake names that Siva used on his many credit cards include Vayu, Nataraj and Tryambaka Deva. While these names do sound like legitimate alter-egos, another credit card Siva used named him as Otm Shank, obviously copying the beloved Bollywood actor whose name is actually an anagram for Tom Hanks.
Siva, for those two crimes, was sentenced on the spot for 25,000 years in the worst maximum security prison in India. Judge Yoratajaniish chuckled as Siva was dragged away by force, saying "I never really cared much for the Upanishads, but me sentencing a major Hindu god an unbelievable prison sentence is the damned funniest thing I've ever seen. I just hope that there isn't some kind of karma thing that would prompt Siva to revenge-kill me by shooting a laser at me with his third eye."
Followers of Vishnu, Brahma and even Kama rejoiced on the spot on hearing of Siva's arrest. Said Yawaala Ramajaan, "We are so happy. We are so very happy. Love is in the air. Fireworks are in the sky. Children are dancing in the street, and this time they're not dancing because they have some sort of crap tapeworm that makes them involuntarily dance and shake. It is because Siva, the one who has killed our babies, killed our cattle and even stole our lunch money back in middle school is locked up behind bars. We no longer have to worry about an evil blue man stealing our valued items at night, particularly the breath of life. This is such a great day. I love my life, particularly the one I'm in right now! This is a great country! Brahma bless India!"
Siva however might be put out on parole if Kali has something to say about it, but what the hell.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|