Silvio moves on
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 06:54 (UTC)
14 February 2013
ROME, Italy Media mogul, presidential hopeful and connoisseur of cuddly companions Silvio Berlusconi has regretfully had to let one of his latest acquisitions go. Silvio and the generously endowed Silvia Mammaroni looked like an item for at least a week or so, but despite intimate pizza meetings and facing the incandescent papparazzi, poor Silvia is no longer at his side.
"It was the age problem", said the sober Silvio at a press conference, "she was getting on a bit, almost thirty you know, and I always said you can't trust a woman over thirty".
It is rumored that the dashing Signore Berlusconi will attempt to avoid being seen with any more attractive young women until the imminent presidential election, at which he expects to be returned to his rightful place in the palace. "Then I can stop worrying about public opinion", he muttered as he made a hasty exit.
Sources in the Vatican have denied that Berlusconi is a dark horse candidate for Pope if things do not go well at the elections. "You can't just buy your way into the Papacy", asserted an anonymous senior Catholic cleric, in between hastily writing cheques to each of the cardinals.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|