UnNews:Signing delayed after Guitar Legend is attacked by man wielding mash potato
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Signing delayed after Guitar Legend is attacked by man wielding mash potato
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 15:33:UTC)(
19 September 2011
EPSOM, Surrey, England -- In a quaint town in South-East England, where the existence of chavs is still thought to be a malicious rumour spread by northerners to scare off southern immigration, and driving around in vintage cars is still the pinnacle of fashion - the guitar legend Slash, of Guns n' Roses fame, was about to make an appearance. The line of people outside the brand new to-be opened guitarguitar store extended for hundreds of meters as they all waited in silence, shuffling awkwardly alongside each other and shifting their weight from one leg to the other as they anticipated the arrival of their idol.
But one of them was not like the rest. One of them had his own agenda.
Tubes, a well-liked and much discussed personality on Sky's football program, Soccer AM, was brooding behind the store - smoking a cigarette and reciting the plan to himself. He was doing his final preparations to walk in and pull the practical joke to end all practical jokes on the unprepared Slash.
As Tubes strolled into the store, witnesses say he was visibly shaking, his pupils dilated, and a small, slightly moist brown paper bag of mash potato was poking out from under his jacket. As Slash confidently walked up to greet him, the unwitting star was met with a barrage of lumpy, soggy carbohydrate. Ducking and diving, he managed to avoid the second volley, but he had already been hit copiously by the first.
Within moments, security intervened to restrain the potato-crazed Tubes, who was thrashing about in a mash-potato-throwing rage. After a quite lengthy struggle, he succumbed to the guards, who escorted him out and laid him down on the pavement.
"I've never seen such a blatant act of aggression," one eye-witness said as he tip-toed tactfully between the splodges of mash potato. "Slash was simply conducting interviews and then... the next thing I know he's covered from head to toe in mash potato."
As the managers rushed down to see what happened, they saw only the back of a disgruntled, slightly damp Slash, trudging off into the distance to complain about his treatment.
Fans waited patiently while organisers tried to calm the seething Slash, saying, "It's hard, I know, but you're famous, and that's the sort of stuff people like to do to you when your famous."
"I hate mash potato, and I hate that man!" Slash blustered as one of his aids carefully helped him change out of his damp Guns n' Roses T-shirt.
For about an hour Slash was nowhere to be seen. The fans remained steadfast in the unfaltering belief he would return shortly, and eventually, he did: a begrudging Slash appeared from around the corner, to the glee of the 200 people waiting eagerly for him. He entered the store and sat down in his chair to complete his original mandate.
"He was absolutely gorgeous in the flesh," said an infatuated woman after meeting him as her husband looked hollowly on, trying to hide his inadequacies. Another woman commented on the couth look his hat gave him, whilst one man - still struggling to believe he had actually met the rock legend - was simply stringing monosyllabic words together to form unintelligibly sentences, to the surprise and concern of his peers.
"It started a little shaky, but thank goodness we managed to turn it around," jokes one of the organisers, "Slash is a really great guy, I guess he just doesn't like potato!" he continued, with a smile stretching from ear to ear.
When the signing was over, the elated crowd all went home with stories of an eventful day. But as Slash got up from his seat and began to make his way back to his car, an observant onlooker standing behind Slash noticed him drawing out a strange red bag from inside his coat pocket, as he rolled his head back and let out a faint moan a soft crunching sound and a faint "Ahhhh" were heard echoing in the wind.
- Lauren May "Slash gets smashed at guitar shop opening in Epsom". Epsom Guardian, September 15, 2011