UnNews:Shopping assistants aspire to become serial killers
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Shopping assistants aspire to become serial killers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 07:07:UTC)(
11 June 2009
THE ECONOMIC DOWNTURN has meant an increasing number of shop workers are being tempted into a double life of serial killing. A recent survey conducted by UnNews suggests that as many as 12,132 supermarket checkout workers were tempted to follow a customer home in order to murder them.
Take the case of 'Sandra' (her real name), a Tesco shop assistant, whose confidential psychiatric record, which fell out of somebody's briefcase just outside the London offices of the News Of The World newspaper earlier today, relays the following conversation she had with a customer:
Customer: "I’m looking for a cucumber."
Asst: "Certainly, would you like to meet later and see my breasts?"
Customer: "Oh no, I'm just looking for a cucumber. Not too long though, about the length of a standard cucumber."
Asst: "Well, if you would like to come with me to the storeroom I'm sure I could find you one- just put on this hood-"
Customer: "No, I can see some cucumbers over there, can you select a good one for me?"
Asst: "Certainly, if you would just like to put on these plastic restraints?"
Customer: "Are you trying to lure me to my death?."
Asst: "Of course not madam, please just take a sip of this free sample of almond-flavoured tea- you can be my friend for ever and ever."
Customer: "No thanks, I don't like nuts ..."
Asst: "DRINK IT! DRINK IT ALL!"
Customer: "No, please ... put that knife away ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING! No, stop!! AGGHHH"
Asst: "That's better. Now- may I help you with anything else madam?"
Customer. "My eyes! MY EYES!"