UnNews:Shocking Cruz news

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Shocking Cruz news

Straight talk, from straight faces

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27 April 2016

Fiorina behind Cruz

Fiorina tries to sneak off the stage at a Cruz campaign stop before the candidate can rope her into some publicity stunt involving eating insects.

CORN-ON-COB, Indiana -- The campaign of Republican Party Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has finally reached the point at which electroshock is indicated.

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Cruz and Kasich connive jointly

The deal between Cruz and adversary John Kasich to each throw key states, followed by announcing the deal to the very voters they were writing off, then both men reneging on the deal before it reached one day of age, all have failed to wrest headlines away from Donald Trump's sweep of all six Northeastern states that voted on Tuesday. That was widely predicted, but an American public with a memory just long enough to remember the previous episode of their favorite television program one week ago is likely to conclude that "Trump is winning everywhere."

Consequently, Cruz is moving forward with an announcement that Carly Fiorina will be his pick for Vice President. The Cruz/Fiorina ticket promises to be the most unattractive combination in U.S. election history, on the assumption that Hillary Clinton voters are ugly feminists whom Fiorina could induce to cross over. The campaign responded to pundits who note that Cruz and Fiorina seem to hate one another by pointing out that, by now, everyone hates everyone else.

If that announcement doesn't make the numbers jiggle, the campaign will follow by revealing the entire Cruz cabinet, which will include all Cruz's former opponents, as well as Democrats Joe Biden, Martin O'Malley, Elizabeth Warren, and Bill Clinton. Cruz, being a master debater, will be able to argue that he is still a political outsider despite being in the U.S. Senate and having Jeb Bush as his Secretary of Sloganeering (please clap) and John McCain as his Secretary of the Army.

The Cruz campaign will follow this announcement by coming out of the closet as a flaming homosexual who cross-dresses, the first-ever attempt to build a Unity Government bridging those two mouthy voting blocs and evangelicals. Cruz's plan next calls for him to photograph his bulging underpants and tweet it out to an eager nation.

Canadian ex-Prime Minister Stephen Harper is set to adapt a gambit that has been highly successful over the last eight years, arguing that any American who does not vote for Cruz is expressing a subliminal hatred of all Canadians.

Afterward, Cruz will admit that the National Enquirer infidelity scandal was true, and Vice Presidential nominee Fiorina will confess that she was the mistress, and will describe the duo's kinkiest sexual games while Bill Clinton confesses that he watched the trysts and captured them on YouTube.

Kasich, for his part, tried to recapture the nation's imagination by eating a large stack of pancakes without benefit of knife and fork while the cameras rolled.

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