|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
15 October 2009
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FORT COLLINS, Colorado-- Today a shiny balloon gently floating across Colorado captured the hearts and minds of cable media outlets around the world. Media empires such as Fox News, Headline News, CNN & MTV News were astounded at the lofty twig & mylar structure as it sped across eight county lines. The 20 feet long and 5 feet high helium filled object appeared to be a flying disc shaped party balloon.
edit Exciting Footage!
People across the world watched the media celebrate the homemade helium balloon as it soared 7,000 feet over eastern Colorado for more than two hours. "We absolutely LOVE IT!" proclaimed most "news" people on each network. "It reminds me of my favorite earrings!" exclaimed another media wench.
Science enthusiasts Richard and Mayumi Heene built the air construct out of old FEMA emergency ration packaging from New Orleans. "They were going to expire soon so we've been eating them for the last year," said Richard, "duct tape proved to be an adequate bonding source." When asked where they obtained the air tight foodstuffs Mayumi responded, "We bought them in bulk after Katrina from a farmers market in Colorado Springs. We didn't really need them but they were such a good deal."
Two hours into the coverage the balloon hovered slowly over a barren area until it gently settled onto the ground. Emergency workers, firefighters and police quickly swarmed the area, pinning the helpless free-wheeling sparkly to the ground. Talking heads soon turned to shrieks as one fireman quickly chopped the balloons many chambered construct in a media-hating glee spree.
"My heart just stopped as each chamber was chopped into, like the chopping of a many chambered heart of the balloons heart!" Said Fox's Glenn Beck.
Media types moaned woes of misfortune for several hours thereafter as replays of a serene ex-balloon playfully skittered across the sky. Nothing on air worth commenting was said.
When the Heene family was reached for comment Richard was candid in his response. "Well of course we were sad to see such a long family project destroyed, but we're not going to worry. We're sure a Federally mismanaged disaster will provide other materials for a fun-filled family oriented project soon."
When a media insider was asked to comment on the extreme coverage length of the phenomena he response was typical. "It's all pretty simple really... there was nothing being fed to us from TMZ, and we'd already run all of the stories we'd gotten from boingboing that we had permission from corporate to do."
edit Other Coverage
Although the Republican party has been quick to condemn Barack Obama's lack of a pay-for-tv media structure plan there is some small encouragement from rogue senators in the more purplish red states. In a related turn of events Network T.V. news outlets have spun the story to provide a new angle on the Cable Tabloid coverage.
Here a Republican Senator from Oklahoma shows support in an ABC Personal interview when he refers tounge-in-cheek to the 24-hour media as children/brothers with Barack and Michelle Obama as their parents.
edit Media Outlets to Mourn Loss of Balloon
A Nation mourns the loss of "Sparkly," killed near Keenesburg on Thursday.
- Mario "Flying Pie Shaped Balloon is cause for Pizza Chain.". Yahoo News, October 15, 2009
- Entertainment Tonight "Not Again! Shiny Balloon Captures Media Attention.". E.T., October 15, 2009