UnNews:Sheep farming in the Falklands
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
19 January 2007
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STANLEY, Falkland Islands, Thursday (UNN) — A sheep farmer in the East Falklands is using the melodies of Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death and Cradle of Filth to diminish his neighbour's productivity. Nathan Lard plays the "music" of the three bands to his neighbour's 3,000 sheep while they are eating.
The 44-year-old said he started playing the recordings over loudspeakers six years ago to annoy the "Argy wanker" next door. He also found the music had an agitating effect on the sheep. "I saw that the sheep started getting more pissed off and that they were listening to John Peel on the World Service and sending away for punk fanzines," he said. "I also let them read my old copies of Sounds." He now plays the tunes of the Dead Kennedys, the Clash and Penny Rimbaud to enlighten the sheep as to the nature of their oppression.
Music researchers caution that the aggressive three-chord stylings of modern political rock have a deleterious effect on the productivity of herd animals, causing them to lose track of real priorities and instead focus on who among their social clique can find the most "mod" t-shirt at the Port Stanley Hot Topic.
"I have a nasty feeling they're going a bit pop-punk," Lard noted. "They've been listening to Pink records lately. They say it's because she's such a sheep fan, but I think they just like her tits. I think they really need to read up a bit more on the mechanisms of sexism in society."
His neighbour, Leopoldo Galtieri, was unfazed. "I plan to send the politically dynamised sheep back to England. They will revolutionise Britain with their advanced techniques of 'political correctness' and 'ideological soundness' and 'winebar socialism.' They will listen to post-punk, rockabilly, and even a bit of this new 'shoegaze,' My Bloody Valentine, sí? They will deal the final blow to Thatcher's dictatorial regime! My sheep minions should be ready by 2010, 2012 at latest. They will be interviewed in Melody Maker as harbingers of this new youth movement, perhaps!"