UnNews:Sharon Osbourne: Thief will get leprosy
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9 February 2007
Sharon Osbourne has been testing cutting-edge rejuvenation techniques for the last ninety years, since her "eternal youth" pact with Satan fell through. Both sides of the contract dispute are currently still tied up in litigation and declined to comment publically. She was the first celebrity to undergo botox treatment when her shambling zombie husband Ozzy invented it by smashing a vat of deadly botulin toxin on her face. For the last decade however, botox has begun to lose its potency as her facial muscles have been entirely killed by the treatment and are unable to relax any further. In a desperate attempt to stave off the aging process she has turned to controversial leprosy treatment.
Her beautician (who does not wish to be identified lest rampaging hordes of vengeful peasants]with pitchforks burn her and her clinic to the ground) explained the treatment.
"We take a plaster mould of the face, then the patient receives injections of necrotic fluid harvested from lepers directly into the face and eye area. Within twenty minutes the flesh of the patient liquefies and drains from the face leaving the skull exposed. From here, it is a simple matter to rebuild the face by filling the plaster mould with latex and wax. Our trained sculptors can then gently heat the face with a blowtorch, causing the harsh, craggy contours of the patient's aged and weatherbeaten face to soften and become smooth, reducing the patient's apparent age to as young as sixty, or maybe seventy."
Police are currently searching leper colonies (very carefully) for a leper carrying a large, garish, ugly and expensive sapphire in the nerveless stumps which are all that remains of his fingers.