UnNews:Sharon In Stable Condition After Dip In Copperfield's Fountain of Youth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
JERUSALEM, Israel -- Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was back in Jerusalem and in stable condition after doctors took him for a visit to David Copperfield's newly discovered Fountain of Youth on Wednesday. Sharon has been in a coma since a massive ham-induced stroke in January, which Jewish faithful say was God's punishment for the Prime Minister's roast pork dinner last Yom Kippur. His condition recently worsened, and personal physician Shlomo Mankovich said he was "nearing death."
But that prognosis has drastically changed after today's treatment, which experts say is partly magic, and partly a miracle. It was possible thanks to renowned magician David Copperfield's recent discovery of the mythical Fountain of Youth, which just happens to be locate on one of the small islands he recently purchased off the Bahamas. "By the way," mentioned Copperfield, "my island is available for rent for 300 thousand dollars a week." Fellow magician David Blaine was the first to sign up, vowing to "spend the full week submerged in the Fountain, and then hold my breath for like a minute or two."
When Israeli officials first heard of Copperfield's claims that "dead leaves dropped in the water turn green," and that "Michael Jackson's nose regrew with just a few drops," they rushed to transport Sharon to the mysterious island. The former Prime Minister was then promptly lowered into the Fountain of Youth, where he was left to soak for about thirty minutes. He immediately regained kidney function, and his pneumonia went away. Although Ariel remains in a coma, doctors plan on bringing him for a second round of treatment "as soon as we collect enough money to pay Mr. Copperfield for his services, revealed Dr. Mankovich.
Although visitors are not allowed onto his island, the magician says he invited a few esteemed scientists from the Kansas school board to study the Fountain. One of the panel members already hypothesized that "the Fountain is yet another intelligently designed miracle from God, just like the seven days of creation." Mr. Copperfield says he hasn't even fully surveyed his new islands yet, but believes that they contain other exciting attractions, "such as the lost island of Atlantis, King Arthur's grave, and perhaps even Elvis Presley."
Meanwhile, world leaders from across the globe are scrambling for permission to visit the Fountain. Fidel Castro from nearby Cuba is in a particular hurry, hoping that a dip in its waters will "extend the glorious Communist revolution by another 50 years, and hopefully also cure my terrible acne." He went on to explain, "You see, that's why I have this huge beard - to cover up all the acne underneath."
Former US President Bill Clinton is said to also be very interested in the Fountain, and he was recently quoted as saying he "hates being 60 years old, because the chubby twenty year olds think I am too old for them now." The White House revealed that President Bush, having just turned 60 himself, is also curious about the Fountain, although for much different reasons. "The miraculous water from the Fountain is a precious resource which the United States needs to control," explained a high-placed administration official under condition of anonymity. Officially, however, press secretary Tony Snow alluded to the US invading Copperfield's island under the pretense of "liberating the native tribes from the oppressive regime of evil wizard David Copperfield." The CIA even claims al-Qaida has links to Copperfield, citing their involvement in his infamous "disappearing Statue of Liberty" illusion.
- AP "Hospital says Sharon in stable condition". "", August 16, 2006
- Reuters "David Copperfield says he's found Fountain of Youth". "", August 16, 2006