UnNews:Sharks invade cleaner beaches
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Sharks invade cleaner beaches
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017, 21:10:UTC)(
25 February 2009
MELBOURNE, Australia - Marine biologists issues a plea to industry today to vastly increase levels of ocean pollution across the board for fear of rampant shark activity. It seems a recent study has shown that many of the more lethal, deadly, and murder-prone varieties of sharks are attracted to cleaner water, which has resulted in a massive influx of said kill-happy denizens of the deep to beaches that are in the process of being cleaned up. "The environmenally conscious organizations reposible for the reduction in water grossness at our beaches are essentially serving up a hot meal for hungry sharks," said one such marine biologist. "It would be like laying steaks out in the streets in lion territory, or visiting Seattle without Bigfoot insurance."
These experts have called for a massive upswing in the amount of pollutants dumped into the world's oceans. One such expert conjectured, "perhaps if we could muck up all of the Earth's beaches as much as the ones in New Jersey are, there would be less shark encounters." The water quality in New Jersey is so poor that there have been no shark attacks documented since the 1906 Clean-Water Rampage, during which a bull shark invaded a pollution-free estuary and devoured several schoolchildren who were chasing hoops with sticks along a riverbank.
The experts claim that we can all pitch in equally to help repel those pesky eating machines that have terrorized us since JAWS hit theaters in 1975, although the terror level decreased significantly after the release of each of the three sequels to JAWS. "If you live near the beach, take a trip out once a week and throw some garbage into the ocean. Every little bit helps," said Jacques Courneau Philippe Marquis de Pompoullionne, who was extremely worried and even more extremely French over the shark infestation. "The problem is very similar to the issue the American Midwest is dealing with concerning mass bee attacks. If shoreline residents send their beekeeping equipment inland in exchange for inlander's trash, we can quash both of these animal offensives with one swift stroke."
Beach enthusiasts seemed to be unfazed by the announcement that cleaner water could soon mean a comically large proportion of sharks in the water. "I am confident in the ability of our system of nets, fences, and decoy fleets to protect bathers from harm," said one local lifeguard. When it was pointed out that sharks are, in fact, pretty badass, and certainly capable of evading these precautions, he further explained, "then just don't go in the water."
- Candice Icthyosauer-Translucent "Sharks advance on pristine Australia beach; kill dozens". Melbourne Daily Git, February 25, 2009