UnNews:Shark scared to death by New Yorkers
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Shark scared to death by New Yorkers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, June 24, 2016, 20:32:UTC)(
3 September 2007
NEW YORK, NY - The carcass of a five-foot-long shark that had visited swimmers at New York City’s Far Rockaway Beach washed ashore Saturday. Scientists believe the fish was frightened to death by the New Yorkers who were sunbathing and swimming at the beach.
“New Yorkers are notoriously unfriendly,” lifeguard Myron Anderson told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “Get used to it!”
The shark seemed curious about the frolicking beachgoers and, at one point, witnesses say, it came ashore, but several of the more pugnacious New Yorkers pushed the animal back into the water, cursing it. Onlookers reportedly cheered them and jeered the shark.
"It was like freaking out. Its tail was flopping everywhere," 10-year-old McKenzie Pontieri reported. "It looked terrified."
Following the discovery of the shark’s carcass, a 10-foot section of the beach was closed to allow locals to gather souvenirs. “I got some of its teeth,” eight-year-old Bindi Sue said. “My mom’s going to make me a shark-tooth necklace to wear with my leopard-print leotards.”
“I know we’re tough,” New York City’s mayor said, “but scaring a shark to death--that’s quite a testament to our fierceness. It’s no wonder Hillary Clinton wanted to be our senator and, now that she is, it’s no wonder she wants to be president. Running the country’s easier than trying to represent the Empire State.”
The shark’s remains--what remained of them after the New Yorkers’ frantic efforts to acquire its eyes, teeth, fins, scale, and skeletal parts--were buried on the beach, near the site at which it ventured ashore, minutes before its death. A crude cross has been erected as a memorial to the dead shark, and there is a motion before the New York City supervisors to rename Far Rockaway Beach. Petitioners want it to be known as Scared Shark Beach. Private donations are being sought to erect a statue of the beloved shark, christened Belinda.