UnNews:Shampoo is better

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23 July 2008
Shampoo is better

An image of the argument in action.

Melbourne, Australia: Early this morning at a press conference for Channel Ten news, Melbourne scientists confirmed that shampoo is, in fact, better. The debate over whether shampoo or conditioner is "better" was first brought to light by the movie Billy Madison. The epic scene involves Billy, played by Adam Sandler, enacting an argument between a shampoo bottle and a conditioner bottle over which one is "better", while taking a bath. Both products speak in high pitched German accents.

  • Shampoo: "Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean zee hair".
  • Conditioner: "Noooo, conditioner is better. I leave zee hair silky and smooth!"
  • Shampoo and Conditioner get in to a punch-on.
  • Billy notices the gold swan next to the bath tub.
  • Billy (as himself): Stop looking at me, swan!

Scientists, philosophers and nutritionists alike have all been pondering over this question for years; which is better, shampoo or conditioner? Philosophers never bothered to solve it because of the nihilism theory and nutritionists don't understand what they have to do with this topic. Scientists, however, know how to bite the bullet and DO IT.

Sciency dude Donald Douglas has long theorized that conditioner is better. "It just has what it takes. It's got what hair craves" he would say. "Conditioner is made of win". Donald Douglas and some fellow sciency guys decided to look in to it. A chemical analysis on 13 brands of shampoo and 13 brands of conditioner revealed some interesting results. Conditioner is made of 47% win, while shampoo is made of only 46% win. However, conditioner is also made of 12% fail, while shampoo is made of only 2% fail. This puts shampoo ahead of conditioner, thus confirming that shampoo is, in fact, "better".

"Well I'll be damned. Shows what I know, hey?" stated Douglas during this morning's conference. "My cat's name is Mittens" said another scientist.

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