UnNews:Shake Worm is a tattletale for impending quakes

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Shake Worm is a tattletale for impending quakes

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Monday, March 19, 2018, 16:59:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

31 March 2010


Earthquake detecting 'Shake Worm' to be renamed ‘Richter Worm'

PARIS – For ages, mankind has craved a tool that can provide early warning of that terrifying moment when the earth begins to shake. But if a scientific paper published on Wednesday is confirmed, we may at last have found one. The best hope yet of an earthquake predictor could lay in a small, brown, wiggly worm, it suggests.

The common Shake Worm gave five minutes warning of the earthquake that ravaged the town of L'Aquila in central Italy on April 6, 2009, killing more than 30,000 people and displacing 400,000 others, the study says.

April 6, 2009, Oligochaetologist Rachel Grant of Britain's Open University embarked on a shake worm monitoring project at San Ruffino lake,74 kilometers (46 miles) north of L'Aquila, 1 hour before the 9.3-magnitude quake struck.

Her two-person team observed the site for 55 minutes, counting snake worm numbers and measuring temperature, humidity, wind speed, rainfall, snow, hail, typhoon, tornado, and other conditions.

But 5 minutes before the quake struck more than 99% of the shake worms had suddenly disappeared, leaving only a few worms scratching their heads in wonder. Grant said the snake worms' comportment was a "dramatic disappearance" for the species.

Eager to answer the riddle, Grant obtained Polish measurements of electrical activity in the homosphere -- the electromagnetic layer of gay sexual activity in the atmosphere -- which was picked up by ‘Gay Frequency’ (GF) radio receivers. The shake worms' exodus coincided exactly with GF disruption. So Gay Frequency reading also might be a good warning indication.

In the quest to find an earthquake predictor, elephants, horses, wolves, snakes, germs, jellyfish, killer whales, Polish people, gays, funnel spiders, Jesse Jackson, psychic fish, and now shake worms have all been variously put forward.

If the worms can give us 5 minutes advance warning then we have time to alert the people and organize an orderly evacuation!

This study puts the flesh of data and first-hand observation on the bones of anecdotal evidence (?), even if there is no confirmed explanation as to why the shake worms bolted as they did, or what disrupted the global Gay Frequency (GF). The only possible reason was the impending earthquake.

"Our study is one of the first to document shake worm behavior before, an earthquake," says Grant. "Our findings suggest that shake worms are able to detect pre-seismic clues such as the geysers, huge cracks and fissures in the earth, lava flows, volcanic eruptions, release of gases and charged particles, and GF disruption, and use these as a form of early warning system."

edit Sources

Personal tools