Shaggy too stoned to give evidence; 'monster' trial collapses
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 06:01 (UTC)
16 March 2007
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DOG PRESSURE CREEK, Oklahoma -- The long-awaited trial of the alleged hoaxer behind the Old Man of the North collapsed today, after one of the key witnesses, Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers, arrived at court under the influence of a 'considerable amount' of marijuana. After stumbling into the witness box, Shaggy failed to answer any questions, called the judge an 'uptight square, man' and had to be carried away by court officials. Freddie called the outcome 'disappointing', adding, "I'm going to kill that stoner piece of shit".
The so-called hoaxer, Leroy Jenkins, was the caretaker at an old abandoned ski lodge in the Rocky Mountains. It was alleged by the Scooby Gang that Jenkins had discovered an old abandoned gold mine beneath the lodge, and had created the 'Old Man of the North' monster in order to scare people away so that he could keep the gold for himself.
The defence lawyer, Sam Cutler, tore into the prosecution case, saying "My client does not deny dressing up in a mask and white robe, nor does he deny using luminous paint or projecting equipment to create huge glowing images of himself. It can get lonely up in the mountains, and expressing oneself creatively, by dressing up as a monster, for example, is one way to relieve the boredom."
Cutler also pointed out that when his client was supposedly threatening the gang by shouting 'Rarr, Rarr', he was only exercising his right to free speech. He criticised Velma's evidence as 'circumstantial' and 'open to tampering from an individual with a history of painkiller addiction'.
The prosecution case depended upon convincing testimony from Shaggy. Unfortunately, when questioned as to his whereabouts on the night in question, he just blinked his bloodshot eyes and starting mumbling "I don't, like, know where I am, man, like. Oh man. I need some rest, I don't need all these scientists, man. Oh man." When asked whether he felt that his life was in danger at any point, he stared into the middle distance for several minutes before asking for pancakes and twinkies.
On the question of whether Mr Jenkins had actually intended to take the gold for himself, his only response was "That's nothing man, mining that gold is like hard work, man. Nooooo way, man. Like one time, me and Fred used the Mystery Machine to rip an ATM off the wall, and I was like 'Zoiks, we're going get caught' and Fred was like 'No, it's cool, I've done this before' and he was like totally right and we were never, like, caught, man. Oh man. No more mushrooms for me, ever, haha. Stick with the leaf, haha. Oh man."
When asked about the case, Scooby's only response was "Rif you have rany rinquiries, please reak ro my rawyers. Rank you."