UnNews:Sex offenders receive Viagra via Medicaid; playgrounds closed
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
22 July 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA: After major news networks first reported that sex offenders were receiving free Viagra® via Medicaid in mid-2005 , a bill proposed by Republicans briefly halted such activities. However, the bill was recently vetoed and once again registered sex offenders are legally receiving Viagra® in the same fashion. Only seconds after news of the bill's veto got out, registered sex offenders orally ingested their first government funded Viagra tablets legally, for the first time in months, on Friday night.
In response, all playgrounds nationwide were closed at the request of FBI director Robert Mueller. Mueller and Nevada governor Kenny Guinn went on to declare a state of emergency at what was previously deemed ground zero: Clark County, more specifically, the Las Vegas metropolitan area.
The Boners on Behalf of the Government Act, which was recently reenacted after the bill's veto, allows the mass distribution of kilos of Viagra® to registered sex offenders; it was first proposed by Clinton during the end of his second term in 1999 for no apparent reason.
Pfizer, the company who makes Viagra®, saw an enormous grow in their stock (Dow Jones Industrial Average) in less than two days. Current Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell , after hearing news of his company's large predicted surplus, bought the country of Luxembourg on company credit.
However, Viagra® is not the only drug registered sex offenders can receive. Levitra®, Cialis®, and Demerol® (which is not an erectile dysfunction treatment) are all available to anybody who is on the long list of sex offenders, free, at the cost of taxpayers.
However, NAMBLA recently argued on behalf of sex offenders nationwide by writing a letter to Congressman Harry Reid, a Democrat who voted against the bill, stating:
- "Sex offenders within the United States, being taxpayers, are essentially paying for their own Viagra by paying taxes."
In a response letter, Harry Reid reportedly wrote: