This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.
10 NOVEMBER 2012
Discouraging words came this morning from a brilliant yet somewhat crazy Swiss scientist. Professor Frederik Gütnun, 38, came forth explaining the biggest killer of brain activity is sexual activity.
Gütnun explained to an UnNews reporter, "After seven long, hard years, I have found the most dangerous thing to the growing adolescent mind. It is not binge drinking, as was previously thought, but instead, it is sex. Dirty, pointless sex."
Gütnun proceeded with a visual cue. First, he got out an egg from a carton, which the first thing to come to the reporter's mind was breakfast. He held the egg, saying, "This is your brain." He then cracked the egg, put it into a frying pan, and started boiling the egg. He then said, "Und this is your brain on sex."
Gütnun then gave another example by pulling out a copy of Finnegans Wake and opened to a random page and began reading the semi-coherent garble:
|—Nansense, you snorsted? he was haltid considerable agenst all religions overtrow so hworefore the thokkurs pokker the bigbug miklamanded storstore exploder would he be whulesalesolde daadooped by Priest Gudfodren of the sacredhaunt suit in Diaeblen-Balkley at Domnkirk Saint Petricksburg? But ear this:|
Gütnun said, "One paragraph of Finnegans Wake is less harmful to your mental health than sex is."
He further gave out another cue, by pulling out a massive five-pound joint of marijuana and began smoking it. Much to the reporter's dismay, Gütnun shared none of the joint with the reporter but just smoked it all by himself. Gütnun then said, "Damn, that shit is strong. What they put into this shit? Goddamn, I'm gonna be fucked for a week. Woo-wee yeah bitch! *cough* Ahem, smoking pot kills fewer brain cells than sex."
The reporter said, "Okay, we get the picture, but you give us some scientific explanation as to why. Also, I'd like if you shared a little bit of that joint with me next time."
Gütnun said, "I selected fifty individuals. I gave them tests. I asked twenty-five people to have sex the night before the test. I told the other twenty-five to not have sex. Neither of the groups studied. However, it was shown that the twenty-five abstainers got scores 52% higher than the people who had sex. Therefore, proving my life's work is indeed correct, that any sex, other than rape, kills innumerable brain cells, and even as little as six one-night stands could turn you into a slobbering idiot. However, rape is only healthy for brain cells if you're the one who's getting raped, in which case none of your mental powers is diminished, although it might leave you emotionally damaged for the rest of your life, but I guess that's a risk worth taking. And no, you can't have my weed! Get your own!"
Not interested in asking what Gütnun's stance on the issue of rape was, our reporter simply proceeded by asking, "What is your IQ, Gütnun?"
Gütnun replied quickly, "171, which is pretty high if you don't know." He then hit his head against a wall by accident, then stating his IQ dropped from 171 to 169, but explained that sex kills more brain cells than hitting your head against a wall by as many as 8 points for the average person. Said Gütnun, "Those numbers don't sound like much, but believe me, they add up."
Gütnun then set his coat on fire, saying, "This is also what happens to your brain when you have sex, not to mention what happens to your genitals."
Our reporter asked what Gütnun's stance on marital sex was. Gütnun replied, "For it; it is the only type of sex found in my studies not to kill brain cells - good, healthy marital sex."
The fact that Gütnun is still a virgin may ruin his entire point, but the entire message is already sent out to the young people of the world, except for those in third-world countries where people get hilarious venereal diseases for no reason anyway. Gütnun said that the youngest safe age at which a person can have sex is 25. He also explained that the youngest safe age at which a person can French kiss his girlfriend is 18, or 17 if he is careful. "I'm right and there's no denying it," said Gütnun, "Sex is evil and deadlier than cancer."
Optimistic words for the youth of America to live by.....
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|