UnNews:Sex expert says "duh" when asked about the causes of teenage pregnancy
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Sex expert says "duh" when asked about the causes of teenage pregnancy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 28, 2016, 08:35:UTC)(
15 June 2012
NEW JERSEY, UNITED STATES -- Following our adventure in Belize, the ever-ready news team at UnNews are soon on the move again. We receive a call from our New Jersey office advising us that a physician named Dr. Luciano is eager to talk with us. The subject he wants to discuss is the very pressing problem of teenage pregnancy, we agree to interview him.
Driving on the New Jersey Turnpike, we receive another call - "stop at Grover Cleveland, I'm waiting." After much confusion we use Uncyclopedia to work out what a Grover Cleveland is? Ah, he was a president, or two presidents. What has that got to do with the interview we wonder?
After a lot of driving we are starting to get worried, we are professionals at UnNews, so we take our prescribed pills. "one for you...." Then, a black Suburban behind us begins flashing it's lights, the phone rings again - "what are you schmucks doing? We're behind you. You missed Grover Cleveland, now you will meet us at Clara Barton, good day to you" Our car is a cocoon of mystery at this point, jovial-journalism is now confused-car. Some guys in nice suits up ahead signal us over and we now understand that Clara Barton is a rest stop! Where is the Uncyclopedia rest stop? Shall fix this.
We get out of our car and we wonder why a funeral is happening at a rest stop? The day was overcast so why are they wearing sunglasses? Dr. Luciano introduces himself - "It is a pleasure to meet you, these are my associates, I will forgive our little directional misunderstanding for now. Please, let's sit down." What does 'for now' mean we wonder?
Vegetarians will know the feeling well which I am about to describe - When you accidentally eat something with meat in it and a slow, chilling, realization occurs. You hold your mouth open and your eyes wide hoping the meat will walk out of your mouth? - Meat eaters can get it from fruit we thought was candy. Anyway, we are sitting with the mob! Why me?
The Dr. begins, "I hear you have great respect for the Belize family, Vito here read your account of paying respect, I was deeply moved that cousin got my present. Now I need to discuss with you a matter of great importance. My little girl, my angel, Gina, has become a little troubled lately, She is extending the family by "accident" shall we say. I want this to be printed to warn other girls in the "family" that condoms are available, so use them, or if your man feels like a schmuck with a balloon on his ding-a-ling, just make sure he knows to get the cream on the table and not in the coffee capice?. I had to rough up a biologist to get the simple answer, now I'm studying reproduction and it appears that young pregnancy happens because the boy is selfish and doesn't want to father a table"
As a news team we aren't normally shocked but on this occasion we are. This powerful and very mean looking man is promoting awareness of a real problem all over the world, however, he just has to do it in a frightening way - as he's a mob boss obviously. I ask for permission to reiterate his words so that people with a normal vocabulary can understand? He agrees. So here we are folks.
I feel that what the "Dr." was trying to say was, you boys and men out there have a responsibility to prevent your girlfriends from getting pregnant by accident. You know that thing you did alone in your room before you had Betty? Well, when you have sex with Betty, at the last moment, imagine you're alone in your room again! Betty won't become pregnant and you can repeat this over and over and over. This news reporter has been married two times already (once to Connie Chung) and can agree with the terrifying Godfather that it DOES work. Why I had to get lost on the New Jersey Turnpike to tell this story? I don't know but I'm glad it happened. Hi Con!
I wish "Dr." Luciano luck with his studies, if HE can understand Biology why can't you? Get some table tennis practice in guys. Oh, just to be on the safe side as I am a thorough journalist; I went to a family planning clinic and asked a REAL doctor there if it will prevent pregnancy more than 95% of the time by pulling the ding-a-ling out? "Duh!" was his answer, followed by - "get out my office, sick of you mob assholes!" HA! I was called a "mob asshole" so honored.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|