UnNews:Seven brothers sought in bride kidnappings
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Seven brothers sought in bride kidnappings
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 22, 2017, 09:41:UTC)(
18 January 2009
MUDGETT'S MOUNTAIN, ALBERTA - UNN Local law enforcement are on the lookout for seven lumberjacks last known living in the Pontipee Pass area, in the kidnapping of six young women. Witnesses claim that brothers Adam, Benjamin, Caleb, Daniel, Ephraim, Frank and Gideon Pontipee were seen on their wooden sleigh with six large burlap feedsacks, each said to be wiggling madly, as if to suggest that they were trying to escape.
Missing are Dorcas Gailen, Alice Elcott, Sarah Kine, Liza (no last name, just Liza), Ruth Jebson and Martha Nosurname.
Each of the women were said to be active in proper womanly activities (winding yarn, baking pies, reading the bible and tending to the sick and the infirm) at the time of their kidnapping.
"Those Pontipee men are trouble, always have been, always will be," said John Smith, a minister of the Lord's gospel. "They're no good. Always singing and fancy dancing. They're the spawn of the devil I tell you!"
Of the men, only Adam Pontipee is married, so it it is believed that he both devised the plan, and drove the get-a-way sled.
According the Royal Mounted Police, the law was thwarted in retrieving the missing by an avalanche of snow. "It was if this whole scenario was scripted by Hollywood," stated Mudgett's Mountain Mayor Melville Manley.
The Royal Mounted Police will bide their time.
"I have a feeling that one of these days the pass will open back up and then we'll be having six shotgun weddings, then seven men hanging high, and then seven widows for the picking.