|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
25 February 2008
|This news story is currently being recorded as an audio file by Heck no techno.|
|Sayeth Heck no techno: "Hold on... this one's mine!"|
It all seemed like a fun day for toddler James, age 2; he was playing with a Fisher Price I Know Your Name Elmo, and Elmo knew his name. Then Elmo needed a battery change. When James's mother replaced the battery, Elmo let out a "Muahahahaahahaahaahah!" and shouted "Kill James!" He then asserted that he would "cut anyone who crossed him end-to-end with a Bowie knife," and "dine on their internal organs."
This violent outburst made James cry, and he hid under his bed. When James's mother approached Elmo, he said "What the fuck are you looking at, bitch? Go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich or I'll gut you like a fish!" while brandishing a Bowie knife wildly. From the kitchen, she called 911, and talked to the police. A SWAT team arrived in the nude, but Elmo threatened to slaughter the family unless the negotiator could provide the following things: An unlocked iPhone, a naked picture of Bea Arthur, an eight ball of cocaine, a tube of Head On, Hannah Montana in an Adolf Hitler costume, and a B1 Bomber (presumably a getaway vehicle). He later added that he would need to have oral sex with Big Bird before he would release the hostages. Knowing this was a dire situation, the SWAT team gagged Big Bird and threw him into the house.
The police stalled: all they could come up with was Hannah Montana in an Adolf Hitler uniform. All seemed hopeless until the Alternative-Lifestyle Bert from Fisher Price came to the scene and was able to talk Elmo into surrendering in exchange for privileges in Federal Prison afterwards. The two had been close friends when they were both actors.
James suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and had to be hospitalized in a pediatric mental hospital for observation. He was hung like a horse. The toddler later died mid-sentence; his death may be ruled a suicide. His mother and father said they would never buy another Sesame Street or Fisher Price toy ever again after this horrible experience. Elmo's close personal friend and fellow actor Chucky claimed that Elmo stole his routine; threatening kids and their parents with a knife is Chucky's trademark. Karate Duo No. 1 are planning on putting Elmo in jail where he may rot for the rest of his fuckin' life. "It's just sad James had to die like that," says his babysitter Lindsay of TDI. "I wish I had told James about the Elmo before he started to play with it, but then he would have nightmares for years." As of now, the I Know Your Name Elmo is being pulled off shelves for concerns that the toys will do the same thing to other toddlers.
- Joshua Topolsky "When good toys go bad X: Elmo makes death threats to toddler". Engadget, Feburary 22, 2008