UnNews:Serial killer "commited murder on an empty stomach"
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Serial killer "commited murder on an empty stomach"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 24, 2017, 14:15:UTC)(
23 July 2008
PHOENIX, Arizona: An Arizona serial killer, popularly known as the "Battletoads Murderer," has recently been captured and was held until very recently in a low-security prison in the middle of the desert (We probably shouldn't be telling you this, but the key to every cell in said prison is right under the welcome mat). Janet Goodwoman (male) stood before a jury July 22nd for three counts of murder, four counts of grand theft auto, and twelve counts of sexual assault, in which all members of jury felt him guilty at first.
A respectable mother, however, changed their minds. Jacob Goodman (female) recounted her story of having failed to feed her son "a proper growing boy's dinner," and felt that on the days of each crime committed, Janet was committing murders entirely on an empty stomach. With a cheery smile on her face, she spoke: "You ever done something wrong on an empty stomach? It really impacts your judgement... ...And the sentence should at least be lessened, seeing as my boy here just wasn't thinking straight that day."
Goodwoman (male) was quick to point out that "Yeah, I really was hungry," and that "homeless people make bad choices for food, and I guess I was just doing the same thing." The jury immediately rendered a verdict of "not guilty," with three of them even going so far as to start a charity organization for Janet. "Feed Janet For Peace," FJFP, claims to be a society devoted entirely to keeping the schizophrenic and legally sociopathic Janet out of jail and his stomach full, hoping to curb his enthusiasm towards violent activity.
This ruling has been compared to such cases as the "It was a mistake!" home-made explosive case of 2004, the "I was really hungry!" grand theft case of 2002, and the "Oh, it's just a phase" serial rape case of 1999. More on this as it develops.