September already

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, June 19, 2018, 01:36:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

2 September 2017

Broken clock

Analogue clocks are failing due to the increased strain of faster time.

LONDON, United Kingdom --A shocked population has discovered it is already September even though it didn't seem two minutes ago that it was Christmas. The movement of time has been faster than expected for the fourteenth year in a row, with 2003 being the last year where things moved at an appropriate speed because fuck-all happened. The fast movement of time has been blamed on the indefinite progress of existence resisting any attempt at being slowed down by having a conversation or playing Suduko.

It's predicted that time will again briefly slow down in October as, well it's October, before speeding up again in November when people start getting excited about Christmas, not getting excited about Christmas or getting excited about the fact people shouldn't be getting excited about Christmas.

Sally Backlog from the town of Wales in the UK spoke for many when she told Un News that it only seemed like yesterday that it was a lot longer than yesterday ago. Backlog also has two kids that have grown up so fast unsightly marks have been left where the skin has stretched.

Many see the key to slowing down the passage of time is making omelettes. This preparation for the consumption of egg being completely resistant to temporal modulation. But with eggs continuing to lose popularity with the advent of smartphones, it seems that time will continue to run amok.

UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.