UnNews:Senators fly across Washington in private jets to meet and discuss air traffic problems
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Senators fly across Washington in private jets to meet and discuss air traffic problems
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 18:20:UTC)(
29 April 2008
WASHINGTON DC, USA -- The United States senate has called a special meeting to discuss the problems facing the country's airline system, including heavy traffic, long delays, plane tickets more expensive than actual planes were ten years ago, and the rising costs of fuel. To get to the meeting, each senator flew his (or her, in the case of our 2 female senators) own private jet to the building where the meeting took place.
"I live right next door to the Senate building," says one Senator, "But I couldn't bear the thought of walking out there amongst all the germs, wild animals, and poor people! It's much safer to fly in an insulated airplane, so I flew my plane from my backyard to the building next door. Sure, I ran over a few people when I landed, but most of them were old anyway."
The Senate is holding this meeting after increasing complaints about corruption in the airline industry, from planes holding passengers for weeks at a time to planes exploding but being taped back together with Elmer's glue and sent back out to fly again. The Senate hopes to make air traffic safer and less congested.
The meeting is taking place now, and on the way to the meeting, every single one of the 100 senators flew to the meeting. About nine of the planes crashed into each other on the way, but the destroyed planes were deemed "Still usable" by the senators, despite the fact that many of them were on fire at the time. The lawn of the senate building is now covered in the remains of several broken planes, many of which were haphazardly crash landed by the senators.
When one of the senators arrived slightly late for the meeting and was running towards the building from his plane, this reporter got the chance to ask him if it was really necessary to fly the 800 feet from the senator's home to the senate building.
"What was that?" yelled the senator from across the lawn, "I couldn't hear you!" He then climbed into his private plane and flew the 45 feet across the lawn to where this UnNews journalist stood, to which the senator said, "Of COURSE it's necessary to fly! Walking would be inconvenient!"
The senators are expected to finish deliberating about decreasing air traffic sometime this afternoon, after which they will all fly the 10 feet to the building next door, where they will drink cocktails, complain on how planes are causing global warming and how they plan to use their 360 days of vacation time.
- Abrams, Jim "Senate debates how to make skies safer, less congested". Yahoo News, April 29, 2008