UnNews:Senator sues God over election results
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Senator sues God over election results
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 00:21:UTC)(
20 September 2007
OMAHA, Neb -- "I prayed to him last night," said Sen. Ernie Chambers in a press conference last week, "Now I'm going to sue that son of a bitch One Infinite Dollars for blatant lies!"
Omaha had an election for senate today and hoping he'd win, Chambers prayed to God last night. "I went into my bedroom, clasped my hands and prayed quietly to God that I'd win," said Chambers. "I even said please to him!" The next morning, no one came into the election and Sen. Jackson won instantly when he voted for himself and won by one vote. "Oh, shit, should have went to the election today!" Quoted by a typical civilian going to suffer the wrath of their original Senate for 3 more years.Angered by the outcome of the election, Chambers went into the nearest chapel and screamed incoherent nonsense at the top of his lungs. Fearing that he is suffering from rabies, citizens rushed Chambers to the hospital. After his useless medications and treatments for rabies, Chambers screamed, "I AM GOING TO SUE HIM! YOU ARE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"
Chambers went to court, hired 17 lawyers and presented them with pointless paperwork about how God failed his praying plead. God came to court with a few miracle lawyers and said, "Ridiculous. I have to deal with an entire universe here and the mess that my son gets into. I can't just sprinkle miracle powder on you and make your damn dream come true. It's a lot of paperwork, filing and all that stuff. I mean, our offices are always busy and we still can't hear everyones pleas." Judge Clarence Byron Harry John Paul Sandra Day Ginsberg eventually threw the case out of court, and by throwing I mean he tossed everyone out of the court and into some glass shards lying about on the ground.
"I can't believe the crap people are going to these days." Says Judge Ginsberg. "I mean he just lost the election! What the hell is that good for suing someone? We even had one incident of a farmer suing his dog when he bit in the hand when the farmer was raping the dog."
After the lawsuits, God and Chambers got into a fight outside of court, using whatever the hell they could find as weapons. The chaos had lasted for about 3 hours until some officers came in and said what they were doing was wrong. They insisted of grabbing some grenades or Pokemon to throw at each other. Police then arrested the two after two more hours of chaos. Chambers replied, "Fuck this, I'm converting to Judaism."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|