UnNews:Senator Palpatine declares candidacy for '08 presidential election
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Senator Palpatine declares candidacy for '08 presidential election
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 25, 2016, 17:57:UTC)(
31 January 2008
CORUSCANT, America – Senator Palpatine (R-Coruscant) announced today that he intends to run in the 2008 USA Presidential Election. The current senator, although entering the race late, seems optimistic about his chances: “I just seem to have some power over people that can be… quite persuasive.” Senator Palpatine intends to run in the Republican Primary Election, taking the place of recent drop-out Rudy Guliani. In the announcement of his candidacy, the Senator also outlined his platform and positions on major issues, which are summarized below.
Senator Palpatine has been widely criticized for his unique stance on abortion. In a recent speech, he identified himself as “pro-life”, but if elected, will mandate abortions for fetuses that have high levels of “midi-chlorians.” When asked for an explanation of this unique stance, Palpatine responded,
“Recent studies have shown that individuals with high levels of midi-chlorians pose a severe risk to national security. These individuals are 80% more likely to develop into terrorists who want to destroy America than normal people. It would be best if we could pre-emptively destroy these individuals before they pose a serious risk to our beloved country. Studies have also shown that they were involved in 9/11. Also they cause cancer. Contagious cancer. And AIDS.”
Although these studies have not been located, Americans reacted with shock. Doris Day, a mildly obese, mother-of-4, homemaker from Columbus, Ohio, when told about this, said “How could I not know about this? This sounds like something very serious! I don’t want my children to be exposed to these ‘midi-chlorians’! I’m going to vote for Palpatine now, because none of the other candidates have even mentioned this serious risk!”
edit The Economy
“The failing economy is due to the recent actions of our companies based overseas, which have been outsourcing American jobs and holding monopolies in developing countries. Except for the Trade Federation. That’s a good company. Some have said that they have a monopoly on international trade…but… they don’t. Some have said that I am somehow involved, or have suggested that I control the company in secret…but that is not true…yep, not true.”
edit International Affairs
“In light of recent threats, we must increase our national defense budget! If elected president, I plan to create a ‘Grand Army of the Repub’…I mean, ‘Grand Army of the America’ We must counter the Separatists... I mean, the TERRORISTS! Yeah, TERRORISTS! Because they want to attack America! 9/11!!!”
When notified that America already has an army, Palpatine responded “Well…if one army is good, then isn’t two armies better?” The flawless logical statement confounded Americans, who instantly began to throw money at the Senator. Palpatine elaborated on his plans for this new army.
“We must create this new army, so that we can pre-emptively attack Endor…I mean, Iraq! In En…Iraq… there is a group of terrorists called the Rebel Allia…sorry, Al Qaeda! And they want to attack America! Remember 9/11? We have definite evidence that they are building Weapons of Mass Destruction, that will kill your children, and give them AIDS, and serial killers and sex offenders will run wild. Yeah, it’s bad, right? That’s why we need to ATTACK!!! So we can bring democracy to the Ewoks… did I mention that? Yeah, we need to bring democracy to the Ewoks.”
In response to questions about the process of forming this new army, the Senator replied,
“America doesn’t have enough people to create another army, but thanks to recent technological advances in cloning, we will be able to create a massive army of Clones to fight the rebels… I mean Terrorists. Because of the corruption in the Senate, this army will be entirely under my control.” When asked if this proposition would place too much power in the hands of the president, Palpatine responded, “I promise not to abuse the power. Trust me. Truuuustt meeee.” At this point in his speech, Palpatine gave a reassuring wave to the audience, who, due to the extreme charisma of the Senator, suddenly all agreed with him. “The power you give me I will lay down once this crisis has abated.”
Palpatine has openly acknowledged that he does not agree with some of the actions of the UN.
"There is one division of the UN that poses a great risk to America…It is called the Judicial Equality and Defense Institution, or ‘JEDI’ for short…They pose a serious risk to my safety as your fearless leader, and they must be exterminated at all costs. We have evidence that they are building weapons known only as ‘light-sabers’, and that they plan to use these Weapons of Mass Destruction to harm AMERICA! There is evidence that these ‘JEDI’ were involved in 9/11! They intend to attack America! And none of us want that, right? So these “JEDI” must be destroyed at all costs!"
Americans quickly rallied against this unknown branch of the UN, condemning it for being “Anti-American” and “France-ish.” Bob Smith, a 45-year old, mustached cement truck driver from Louisville, KY, said in response, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, that’s bad! I thought those smelly French were the only people that didn’t like America, but it turns out that other countries hate us too? I had no idea! Not that it matters, because America can crush anything that gets in our way. We must crush these JEDI before they attack America and start raping our children! Let me go get one of my shotguns…”
edit Race for the Presidency
Despite entering the race late, Senator Palpatine intends to win the Republican Primary Election. “I am not threatened by the other candidates such as Huckabee and Romney.” When asked why, Palpatine responded, “If Huckabee or Romney puts up a fight, I’ll just use my… powers…political powers… to… how shall I say… suck the life out of them... I mean, their campaign.” When asked about McCain, Palpatine responded, “Well, with McCain, I’m not sure there’s any life left to suck out…”
Senator Palpatine hopes to sweep the Primary on Super Tuesday, when 24 states will vote in the Primary elections. This seems quite likely as none of the other Republican candidates has any charisma whatsoever.
- Mos Eisley "Senator Palpatine Announces Election Intentions". [[wikipedia:|]], January 31, 2008
- Luke Skywalker "Palpatine to run for President". [[wikipedia:|]], January 31, 2008