UnNews:Senator Harry Reid's apotheosis
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Senator Harry Reid's apotheosis
The news outlet with approval higher than Congress
Thursday, August 24, 2017, 01:42:UTC)(
26 April 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
WASHINGTON, DC - Although many Republicans, including President George W. Bush, regard Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) as a devil incarnate, his recent apotheosis left no doubt among his Democratic colleagues that he is divine.
As a result of his deification, Reid is no longer merely the U. S. Senate’s Majority Leader; he is a living, breathing, walking, talking divinity. His title has been changed to His Holiness.
Reid’s apotheosis occurred before an astonished gaggle of reporters as he spoke to them about President Bush, calling him a “loser,” and of the “failed war in Iraq” in the Capitol on April 24, 2007. Earlier in the week he and Bush, a born-again Christian, had exchanged “heated words” concerning Congress’ intention of cutting funds for Bush’s pet project, during which Reid suggested that the president was “in denial.” As Reid spoke, a halo appeared over his head. Golden rays projected outward in all directions from the bright circle, and angels, sounding much like the recorded voice of Charlotte Church, could be heard praising him.
Reid is a Mormon and, as his middle name, Mason, suggests, a member of the secret society known as Freemasonry. The Freemasons, or Masons, as they call themselves for short, are arch-rivals of the secret society, Skull and Bones, to which Bush belongs.
Shortly after he joined the Masons, Reid’s political career accelerated. After antagonizing the Mafia as Nevada’s gaming commissioner, Reid attempted to strangle LaToya Jackson’s husband, Jack Gordon, after Gordon tried to bribe him during an undercover FBI probe of Reid’s integrity. He has serviced the Democrats since he was elected as their cupbearer and given the honorary title “Ganymede” in 1966. In 1999, he became the “darling” of Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-SD) and Majority Leader in 2001. Only Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi outranks him in Congress.
During Congress’ 2006 recess, Reid suffered a stroke, which, to fool his mostly illiterate and ignorant constituents, he referred to in technical terms as a “transient ischemic attack.” His voters thought he was referring to Bush’s having called him “Nevada’s nuclear waste.”
Since the stroke, Reid’s actions have become increasingly erratic, even downright bizarre. He threatened to shut down the Senate; to marry Pelosi, Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton “and her husband,” all at the same time; championed gay rights “for everyone”; first opposed and then embraced illegal aliens; voted to authorize the use of military force in Iraq; referred to Bush as a “loser” and to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas as a “nappy-headed embarrassment”; called Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan a “political hack”; and asked Rosie O'Donnell if she is sure she's really a lesbian. He also filmed a nude scene in the movie Traffic, earning the picture an “X” rating because of his “saggy skin, severe dermatitis, dentures, and minuscule penis.”
Following his apotheosis, Reid said, “You’ve heard of the anti-Christ? Well. I’m not him.” His announcement was accompanied by winks and grins. “Now, listen,” he told the reporters. “This is how I want you to report this story,” instructing the press to focus on Bush’s being a “loser” and the “failure of the war in Iraq.” Headlines have proclaimed these opinions as facts ever since.
Bush, meanwhile, is secluded at his Texas ranch, seeking God’s will for him and the "Lord’s help in defeating His Holiness Harry Reid.”