UnNews:Senate sleuths to quiz Jared

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Senate sleuths to quiz Jared

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30 March 2017

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Fogle dresses up for his big day at the Capitol.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee [sic] will be interviewing 20 individuals in coming days, including Jared.

This can only mean Jared Fogle, the fattie who was the pitch-man for Subway Sandwiches until finding a use for his own grinder more to his liking. The restaurant chain had to scramble to find a more wholesome impresario, ultimately settling on reformed Presidential assassin John Hinckley.

The Committee is investigating whether the Russians tried to influence the 2016 American election, whether President Trump improperly helped them do it, whether the Obama Administration improperly leaked word about Trump doing it, and whether Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (R-CA) improperly leaked to Trump about the leak.

The relevance of Jared to the investigation is not clear, based either on his love of submarine sandwiches or on his more recent love of child pornography. However, it is the Intelligence Committee, so it must have a pretty good idea of what it's doing. It might even include in its report why Vladimir Putin would ever think he would get a better deal after the U.S. elected Trump.

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Hinckley signs as new Subway pitch-man

The other Jared of note — Presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner — sent the Committee his regrets, as he will be in Moscow opening the newest Trump Hotel.

Also missing is Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Although she has reportedly "come out of the woods," the date of her scheduled testimony conflicts with a prior, lucrative speaking engagement in the Kremlin. However, she said her testimony would not be relevant to the Committee and she will save the Committee hours of work by withholding it. She asked, "What difference — at this point — does it make?"

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