Seditious "historian" executed for terrorist jaywalking
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, November 14, 2018, 22:30:UTC)(
9 January 2007
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ATLANTA, Georgia, Saturday -- The Georgia Bureau of Instigations today executed Felipe Brown-Foreigner, an alleged "historian" at a conference of freedom-hating seditionaries spreading vile agitatory falsehoods about the superior growth and achievements of the United States of America at a conspiratorial gathering of "historian" "cells." Brown-Foreigner, whose ancestors had been good honest Americans for only three generations, was executed for failing to stop in a sufficient number of milliseconds when caught flagrantly jaywalking outside the Hilton Hotel.
After being thrown on the ground and handcuffed, the former Oxford communist radical and author of nineteen works of vicious traitorous calumnies, was tasered, injected with tranquilisers and arrested. It took twenty-five policemen with batons fifteen minutes to subdue his violent histrionics, during which he shouted such anarchist revolutionary slogans as "Help! Help!" and "Murder!" His corpse, still radiating corrupting evil, was taken to the city morgue and thrown into a mass grave.
Other "historians" came to collect the corpse, or enquire as to Brown-Foreigner's welfare, which our noble peacekeeping force quite rightly took as having turned themselves in, guilty and ready to receive their due justice. Officials demanded a quite reasonable bail of only a thousand dollars for the tattered remains of Brown-Foreigner's mortal vessel. The filthy socialist cadres actually went so far as to demand the peace officer's identification and badge number, in an attempt to clog your government's functions by excessive liberal bureaucracy. This was, of course, turned down.
The weak, homosexual leftists of the "American Historical Association" even went so egregiously far as to pen a letter of protest to city officials for their correct action in the face of unconscionable violation of the social contract. The Atlanta police continued to monitor the conduct of these professional liars and confabulators; anyone caught crossing the street against the light was tasered to the ground and subdued appropriately.
The "American Historical Association" then tried to pass a resolution suggesting that our Holy Leader's mission of peace and justice in Iraq and Afghanistan was less than optimal in its overwhelming success. Fortunately, all were captured by the GBI and sent to the US Marine Corps' rest camp at Guantanamo Bay, where they are resting and recovering in the highest of spirits.
- J. McCarthy "Seditious Capitalism-Hating Traitors". Coca-Cola™ Congressional Record, January 6, 2007