UnNews:Second private rocket blows up

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Second private rocket blows up

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31 October 2014

Richard Branson

Owner Charles Bronson (foreground) got away from the doomed ship just in time.

MOJAVE, California -- The second rocket in a week has exploded, and businessmen and politicians are hard at work figuring how best to exploit the mishap.

The rocket belongs to the Virgin Galactic company of famous businessman Charles Bronson, who also owns Virgin Atlantic, Virgin Records, and Virgin Virgins. There was one casualty, as the pilot ejected and the hastily promoted co-pilot proved that he had thus advanced beyond his level of competence.

Mr. Bronson said that minor mishaps happen even on government launches. More than 800 customers have made down payments to fly SpaceShipTwo, and Mr. Bronson said the corporation is working on offering them premium experiences, such as astro-cremations and low-earth-orbit barbecues, if they will switch their booking to SpaceShipThree and pay a small extra charge.

Meanwhile, American talk radio was suspicious about the timing of the crashes, so close to the November 4 mid-term elections. Sean Hannity wanted to know "how many more free-enterprise rockets this lawless President will crash, just to keep his party in control of the Senate." Glenn Beck said Mr. Obama has plans to start crashing diesel trains and buses in his crusade against fossil fuels, beginning just after the vote, and has sent to the printer an order for 30 million death certificates. But Rush Limbaugh stayed above the fray, declining to bring up conspiracy theories so that his callers could do so instead.

However, Larry Kudlow said, "Color me optimist! Even a rocket crash, in a free-market economy with King Dollar, works just as much like a tax cut as a falling gasoline price!"

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Americans receive "privatized" fireworks show

The crash, in the Mojave Desert near Los Angeles, came days after Orbital Sciences Corp. lost a rocket over Virginia. No one was hurt in that mishap, but west-coast viewers were out of luck until today's event, as they are also disadvantaged by the start time of World Series games. Many spectators were pleased that they were finally able to view a big catastrophe first-hand before the kids' bed-times.

Virgin Galactic's sub-galactic carrier jet White Knight Two carried SpaceShipTwo aloft and released it, and then something happened that corporate flacks are terming a "serious anomaly" and spectators instead described as "ka-blooie!" SpaceShipTwo returned to earth in two parts. They were collected by Virgin Galactic garbage truck Dark Lord Twelve, and both pieces should be safely on eBay by the end of the day.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos owns another company in the private launch business called Blue Origin, and is reportedly studying how online merchandise could be delivered to customers by having a commercial rocket crash in their backyards.

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