UnNews:Second Coming of Anna Nicole Smith not expected anytime soon
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Second Coming of Anna Nicole Smith not expected anytime soon
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 22, 2016, 23:40:UTC)(
19 February 2007
Seminole Florida - Florida officials and religious leaders are calling for calm in the wake of rumors that the Second Coming of Anna Nicole Smith could be at hand. Thousands of Smith's fans are streaming into the Sunshine State in hopes of being on hand when the former Playboy centerfold rises from her grave.
State Medical Examiner Ana M. Viamonte Ros, in a joint statement with Anita Bryant, called for calm. "In order for a Prophet to rise from the grave, they must first be buried. Ms. Smith has yet to be embalmed, so until we get closer to the zero hour we would ask that everyone take a deep breath and have a glass of fresh Florida orange juice."
"Ms. Smith wasn't as energetic as Christ, but we can pray that she'll appear and lead us toward eternal salvation," said Televangelist Pat Robertson who gleefully added that "the event will be preceded by a plague of frogs."
Followers of Smith claim that the buxom prophet will heal the sick and the afflicted when she rises from her grave.
Audry Yost Miller of Galveston, Texas is one of the faithful awaiting a sign from God's endowed angel. "I'm praying that the image of her in my steamy bathroom mirror this morning is a portend of her Second Coming, and a sign that she will augment my breasts with a smile of her blindingly white teeth." Ms. Miller said that she is willing to wait it out while "playing Keno and nickel slots."
"If Anna Nicole Smith is going to come, I would think that she is going to do it, do it soon and multiple times at that," extolled an excited Robertson this morning on his 700 Club television program.