UnNews:Second Baby Ruth Sighting!
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Second Baby Ruth Sighting!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 27, 2017, 15:04:UTC)(
27 January 2007
- The Infamous Baby Ruth candy bar that scared dozens out of a club pool in the movie Caddy Shack, and nearly cost two lives, has been sighted again!
After being ingested by Bill Murray, the Baby Ruth left his digestive system looking more like a turd than ever before. However, despite its new clothing and makeup, his career went down the drains. Pun Intended. Living a life of depression, misunderstandings, and smell, our little Baby Ruth floated on, desperately trying to lose weight in the hopes that it might up his appeal. Nothing Worked. As the years passed, it slowly became clear that he needed to re-create the original settings that granted him fame; but a few things might need to be changed.
edit Go on...
- Step 1: His first step in his plan would be taking note of Anna Nicole's rise to fame and decided to take up a job in the male stripping business.
- Step 2: The next step would be to marry one of his wealthy clients.
- Step 3: After this, he would use the money to stage a media covered comeback.
- Step 4: Then, everyone would LOVE his new appearance, and he would apply for roles in movies, and, hopefully, play roles other than himself. Because of his born resemblance to many Hollywood idols, playing lead roles would be much easier, and he would surely rise to fame.
edit Things Don't Go So Well
After using the last of his money founding a private male stripper business, he began receiving a surprising amount of clients. He was highly successful because, possibly, his entire body was penis shaped. Just as all seemed to be going well, his 19th client made a large deal out of not knowing who he was. None of the others had recognized him either, and he went through this in denial. However, after client #19, who is now rumored to be Rosie O' Donnell, he abandoned his plan and stumbled into depression. A few days later, he walked into a Hollywood bar, and after a few shots, attempted drowning himself in the bathroom. He was contemplating pulling his head out of the water when That Guy walked in and disclaimed "By God! Doesn't anyone FLUSH?". Immediately after, just as he was ending his life, Bill Murray walked in to his stall, noticed him, and grabbed him.
Baby Ruth is ever thankful, and does not know what to say about the press coverage and granted fame.
- He was quoted as saying:
“Well, this is cool, I've been treated like crap ever since Caddy Shack and I'm glad I'm getting what I deserve!”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|