UnNews:Secession vote scheduled for the Coös

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9 March 2014

Hibachi in Snow

The table is being set for peace talks.

COLUMBIA, New Hampshire -- Isolated and nearly unpopulated Coös County, New Hampshire is set to vote next week on seceding from the United States and becoming the new southern tip of Quebec.

In unrelated news, Quebec troops have invaded the Coös, swarming the region's only defense-related installation, the North Country International Airport in Dixville. But no shots have been fired, and the scheduled service, the propeller-driven weekly "Border-jumper" to Sherbrooke that gives the facility its name, coughed and took flight normally yesterday.

Quebec premier Vladimir Marois said that residents of the Coös invited his troops in. Many of its people speak French and sport license plates that do not have the state motto, "Live Free or Die" but give a nod to the Quebec motto, Je me souviens (I remember) by stating, Je voudrais oublier (I'd like to forget).

What most want to forget is the fishtailing state government, which flopped between a 70% Republican "veto-proof" legislature that was oddly unable to override any vetoes, and the current Democratic majority that is somehow unable to approve a casino at the abandoned horse track that will instantly compete with Atlantic City. Coös is the only place in the world that views Canada as a source of stable government.

Snowscape

The present international border.

Should "The Cooze" vote for secession, it is not clear whether it would become part of the Canadian province or an "autonomous federated region." Advocates suggest there could be a 50-year transitional period during which residents could still pay cash for health care when they want it, and Quebec sunbathers drawn to the month-long season in the Coös would have to keep their swimsuits on. Canada's government has no procedures for admitting random new territories, though it's not like many are lining up to get in.

Likewise, voting to just go away is not in either the U.S. Constitution or that of New Hampshire, though past governors have replied eagerly when Massachusetts border towns and a Vermont ski area flirted with joining. However, next week is when townspeople assemble at the fire hall to vote municipal budgets and elect Supervisors of the Check-list — and, in many towns, gab about resolutions for their Congresswoman to overturn Citizens United, something citizens seem unable to request individually, Congress is not authorized to deliver, and both Congresswomen are eager to try anyway, even without the push. County commissioner Viktor Yanukovych said there is plenty of paper left for one more ballot article even after the paper mills closed. "We have the ballots; we have the question; let's make a salad," he said, surely chicken salad out of the bird's baser product; maybe even Chicken Kiev.

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