UnNews:Season's Greetings banned in USA
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Season's Greetings banned in USA
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, August 24, 2017, 07:14:UTC)(
27 November 2006
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- An UnNews inclusive, off the wires and onto my tires
COLORADO, New Brewery - A crisis began with a simple word, uttered to a person on the street.
Sources commit to the woman having, as she had never done before, reported the statement as a death threat. Nearly everyone who heard the recording she made parsed the inflammatory statement as "Hell, low." "I felt threatened, and afraid," one anonymous knotknicker opined, "It sounded like she was going to drag me back to her abode of evil and force me to take part in her Satan worship."
When interviewed, another witness said she was "comatose," and was clearly unable to move or open her eyes.
"When you slander our God, you defile our morals. And when you defile our morals, you insult our war. And when you insult our war, you demean our troops. And when you demean our troops, you enrage our God." stated the defence council for the accused, a male in his late forties. The wrath of God, sadly, has not been forthcoming.
Days after the traitorous perpetrator was hanged, the state government enacted a committee to discover a suitable non-troop-hating substitute for the heathen's greeting. According to un-sourced sources, a senior member suggested "Season's greetings." He, too, was hanged, as part of the Christian Cabal's Crusade for Christmas. "We settled upon 'Christ's Greetings' for matters of authenticity. I enjoyed having this debate, and look forward, in the Christ-neutral seasons, to welcoming my friends with a warm 'Good Nation!'"
UnNews reached a rabid constitutional watchdog group for comment. "Hello, hello, is this thing on?" The connection was re-established with someone less traitorous and troop-hating. "We as a country simply cannot tolerate the co-opting of common greetings. From there, it's a short slide to killing anyone who says 'Peace' because it might give us the appearance of weakness to the terrorists." This is an excellent point. Hippie bastards.
Police officers have been placed on the lookout and hearout for other symbols and utterances that may be offensive to Our Lord or Our War of Unspecified Holiness on Iraz.