UnNews:Seals of the Apocalypse discovered
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Seals of the Apocalypse discovered
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 24, 2017, 06:33:UTC)(
5 April 2009
HAIFA, Israel -- Digs near the ancient Philistine city of Gath in Israel have long been a tremendous source of information for Biblical archaeologists. Last month's work yielded a copper scroll which refers to the Apocalypse. The material and writing have been dated to late first century CE, and depicts a popular view of Armageddon held by most Christian cults of the time.
Ancient Hebrew scholar Yiv Liveyevoyov of University Shalom You Bitch told UnNews, "We have tentatively translated what is visible, and expect to find more text using ALS (alternate light source). Right now, we know that this is not the same Apocalypse of John. It's more derivative of older Baal worship traditions, with a little circumcision thrown in for good measure."
The first section of scroll (Pictured) clearly refers to twelve seals of the apocalypse. "We know there are twelve performing seals, five more than John of Patmos Revelation in the Bible, and that the prophesied one is named George Pike. It is also clear that his seals play musical instruments,"' said Liveyevoyov.
This particular version of End Times predicts the appearance of prophet in 1885, and in fact, the actual George Pike did claim to have revelations from God. His movement, known popularly as "Holy Rollers", was implicated in a plot to replace members of the US Senate with Mexicans, thereby beginning a race war.