UnNews:Scottish campaigners request Australian help

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16 August 2014

Tony Abbott

Tony Abbott, who shares a name and a face with Tony Blair.

LONDON -- The "Better Together" Campaign against Scottish Independence have called upon Tony Abbott to tell Alex Salmond that he is tearing apart one of the greatest nations on Earth, "though it appears to be working."

Fringe elements have suggested that Mr. Abbott might be biased against the fairer sex, but Alistair Darling said this was not a consideration, as women play a very minor role in Scottish politics. When asked why someone more respectable and relevant wasn't asked to support the campaign, Mr. Abbott replied, "I haven't the faintest idea what Alistair Darling is here for either."

Last weekend, hundreds of famous British celebrities declared their combined wish for a combined nation. These included comedian David Mitchell, whose signature on the petition filled an entire page with comments on Scottish eating habits.

Support for Alex Salmond and his YES Campaign has come from other places as unaffected and remote as Australia. The Israeli government endorsed the "two-state solution" for Britain, stating, "It is working for us!" David Cameron responded with claims that rockets were constantly being lobbed into Newcastle despite a 300 year ceasefire that "the Scots just don't want to agree to."

Mr. Abbott offended many when he stated that "an independent Scotland would [not be] the friend of justice or freedom." Mr. Abbott appears not to have seen the film Braveheart, in which the Scots fight not just for freedom but for FREEDOM!!! Mr. Salmond called Mr. Abbott's remarks an abomination to the history of Scotland that ranks just beneath haggis.

As the day of the vote looms, such Scots as do not already live and work in metropolitan London — and the Englishmen, Irishmen and Welshmen who are on holiday in Edinburgh at the time — must decide between two kingdoms united by Alistair Darling's spectacular eyebrows or two separate kingdoms united in everything but UN documents for convenience's sake, as it costs too much to make a Scottish separate version of everything.

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