|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
17 April 2009
STRATHCLYDE, UK -- Police forces throughout Britain are still desperately trying to improve the public's perception of them in the wake of an enquiry that found they were riddled with what it referred to as "institutional racism" after the murder of Stephen Lawrence, a young black man from London. In an effort to alleviate such accusations, they have been actively attempting to recruit members from ethnic minorities with varying degrees of success. One force that has been particularly proactive is that of Strathclyde in Scotland, where officers from non-British white backgrounds now make up almost 30% of the entire membership.
"Here at the Strathclyde Police, we realise that it is in both our own and the public's interests that we represent a cross-section of Scotland's vibrant, modern, multicultural society," says Chief Superintendent Bruce Robertson, "and as such we welcome applicants from any ethnic background." So successful has the policy been that Robertson's force now has black, Muslim, Jewish, Sikh and - uniquely amongst British police forces - even Jedi officers, the latter being especially welcome after the 2001 Census revealed that 2.6% of Strathclyde's population are followers of the monastic, non-theistic religion that developed in the Old Republic.
"It hae been oor experience tha' Jedi make excellent polis officers," Robertson says. "They hae a long tradition of peace-keeping and battling against whit they call the Dark Side - which seems tae include criminals, hooligans and the like. Basically, all we hae tae dae is persuade them tae wield a truncheon in place of a lightsabre, stick a helmet on their heads and they're ready tae gae. Historically, they have also adhered tae a strict hierarchical system of rank, which means they fit right in with oor ain system."
However, Jedi officers have not been accepted by all members of the public. UnNews spoke to one citizen who is not so keen. "Noo, I don't want tae come across as a racist," said the man, who wishes to remain anonymous, "and I hae naething against the Jedi personally - I mean, they seem tae be a law-abiding and peaceful bunch, and thanks tae them the cornershops are open till 11 of a nicht which can be very useful; but I dae think Scottish police officers should be Scottish, and should speak proper Scots English. A lot of people hae difficulty in understanding the Jedi's accents. We have one of them who patrols round my area and none of us can really follow whit he's saying, which was never a problem when we had PC McPatel before he got transferred tae Edinburgh."
"Good for Jedi is employment in police force," Constable Yoda, who has been a member of Strathclyde Police for two years, told UnNews. "Hard-working and honest are Jedi. No longer living a long time ago in far, far away galaxy , some of noble Jedi order have Glasgow as their home now chosen. Right it is that we take active part in organisation and protection of society."