UnNews:Scots fatties' kids taken into care

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22 October 2009

Fatwomanwithhotdogs
Mother Nicola agreed to talk to UnNews if we paid for her breakfast at local restaurant "Cholesterol Joe's."

DUNDEE, United Kingdom -- Scotland, a country known for the unhealthy ways and diets of many of its inhabitants, is once again in the news following reports that social workers removed seven children from the home of morbidly obese parents Jim and Nicola McFryup. Concerns were raised about the children after the owners of neighbouring houses experienced subsidence problems in their properties - structural engineers called in to trace the roots of the problem were unable to discover traces of typical causes, such as abandoned mine shafts in the area, and later realised that the McFryup family's combined weight was causing fissures to open up in Dundee's granite bedrock.

An offical working for Dundee City Council, who cannot be named, confirmed that the children had been removed. "Myself and other officials, accompanied by police officers, visited a home in Dundee last night and removed seven children who are now being housed at a secret location," she told UnNews.

Unusually, the parents are happy to discuss their situation with reporters. "The fact that these Guardian-reading, lentil-munching loonie lefty do-gooders can tell me what to feed my own bloody kids in my own bloody house beggars belief," says father Jim, who weighs in at 798lb (362kg), "It's political correctness gone made and just goes to show what this country's coming to. Why the hell should I have to feed my kids on salad - whatever the fuck that is - when my wife can go down to the supermarket and get a packet of 20 beefburgers for 99p? Anyway, we already give 'em vegetables - they always have tomato ketchup on their chips at breakfast time."

Mum Nicola (nee McChipbutty, who at a mere 560lb (254kg) looks diminutively svelte next to her husband, agrees. "How can we feed them vegetables and stuff with the pittance we get in unemployment benefit payments? For the price of a few carrots I can get 3kg frozen chips and a bag of sausage rolls. We have to get our fags and booze out of that money too, you know. That's if vegetables and all that other green shit really is good for you, which I doubt. My Uncle Bob ate nothing but fried haggis every day of his life and he lived to be 43 which is a bloody good age if you ask me."

It is understood that the seven children range in age from a 13-year-old boy believed to weigh 252lb (114kg) to a newly-born baby girl of unknown weight. However, neighbour Ethel Ramsay, aged 57, has seen the baby and informed our reporter that it is "fucking massive." The other five children are also said to be morbidly obese, as confirmed by local schoolboy Hamish Banks who asked if our reporters were in Dundee "to report on those wee fat fuckers the McFryup bairns?"

Our source at Dundee Council is quick to point out that decisions to remove children from the family home are not taken lightly. "We don't want to take children away from their parents," she says, "especially not in cases like this. We have a tight budget as it is - can you even begin to imagine what it'll cost the department to feed these kids? The decision to remove them came after in-depth studies into and discussions of the case and which course of action would be the best to take."

Fatkid disguisedID
Local boy Hamish Banks describes the McFryup children (who cannot be identified for legal reasons) as "fat fuckers."

"We decided eventually that their safety was at risk," she continues. "Not so much due to their obesity, because they're young enough that once we've got them to do a bit of exercise and educate them on the importance of a healthy diet they'll be fine for a few years until they start getting into heroin; but due to physical risk from their parents. People who don't have to regularly go into the homes of families like the McFryups won't be aware of what goes on in these places - they have industrial size deep fat fryers like you see in fairground fast food stalls in their kitchens and, well, all I'm saying is that when Mum or Dad wake up at 3 in the morning wanting a snack or ten, a young kiddie fits easily into a fryer. You get a fatty needing a food fix and they'll stop at nothing - even a three-year-old with a nappy bulging with the results of the irritable bowel syndrome it suffers from because of all the battered sausages and pork pies it gets fed on." The children will be kept in care until their parents are able to demonstrate that they have made alterations to their lifestyles likely to improve the health of their children, such as only feeding them three meals a day and weaning the baby off her 40-a-day smoking habit.

Meanwhile, Nicola says she spoke to her children by telephone this morning. "My two lassies were crying their eyes out," she says, "complaining that they'd been given cornflakes for their breakfast. "We fucking hate cornflakes, Mum, they taste of shite," they were saying, "when can we come home and have sugared lard for breakfast again?"

"It's not all bad, though," says Jim. "When we go to McDonald's for lunch today we don't have to buy them anything so we can spend all today's food money on Big Macs for us."

"That's a good point," says Nicola. "To be honest, I was getting bored of the little bastards anyway. Social services can keep 'em."

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