UnNews:Scientology, true faith?
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Scientology, true faith?
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, February 11, 2016, 23:33:UTC)(
30 October 2006
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DOUBLING, Ireland -- All of Ireland and some portions of Myanmar were amazed today, as Scientist-Ologists announced the discovery or skeletal remains of what are referred to as "DC-9s" in the Scientologist's faith. A DC-9 is a half-human, half-android ghost that attaches itself to a thetan soul and drains it of its natural ability to do long division without pencil and paper, or something.
Unfortunately the Scientologolists on the scene became so enraptured by the discovery, they couldn't remember exactly where they had seen it or when, but they said it looked a little like Commander Data's evil twin brother, but somewhat less fancy.
UnNews, after its usual less-than extensive research, believes the Scientisticists were correct and that such a thing or entity exists as much as anything can exist in a reality determined by consciousness collapsing quantum wave functions.
Soon after the discovery of the DC-9 some other Irish scientists found a multiplex cinema that they are certain belonged to the Emperor of the Galactic Confederacy, Xenu the Warrior Princess. Unfortunatley an American researcher by the name of Tom Cruise has locked himself inside until everybody believes in Scientology, hampering additional study. The doors to the chamber are soundproof and he can't hear us, which is further proof of Scientological claims.
The putative "owner" of the multiplex cinema claims that it isn't the multiplex cinema from the Scientologists Bible, since he owns the facility and it was only built twelve years ago. Despite his supposed "claims" nobody believes him after all, since he "doesn't have his name on it."
Some Scientologists are going as far as to say finding this technology will allow us to cure many desieses such as AIDS, CANCER and ASS ROT. Other people are saying that the other people are idiots, and a third group of people just don't give a shit.