UnNews:Scientists take wild guess at nature of Mars

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

29 May 2011

Mars1

Presumed pacifist, Mars collided with fewer adversaries, hence its "testicular" state, says scientists, while hawkish astrologers scoff.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A group of NASA scientists employed a dartboard to reach a wild guess on the possible composition of Mars. According to their guess, Mars formed in record time, growing to its present size in a mere three light-years, much quicker than scientists previously thought.

Often ridiculed for being tiny, Mars' rapid formation could explain why the Red Planet is about one-tenth the mass of Earth. The study supports the dart game conclusion that Mars remained small because it avoided collisions with planetary building material, such as dirty great rocks; in other words Mars was a pacifist. Part of the research involved in this study also involved interviewing one Charles Sheen, who claims ancestry from Mars and states that he has worked there recently in the Martian music industry, particularly in the rock and roll genre. Sheen's information, however, is still being processed and early results indicate that Mars may in fact be composed largely of tightly wound, discarded guitar strings from Keith Richards' guitars. Sheen also gave some small insight into reproduction on Mars, stating cryptically that it involves people who hook things with other things, or as he referred to them, "hookers from Mars." These indivuduals also confirmed that Mars was indeed small, or at least the "rock stars" from there are. More research into this possible source of information is continuing at the University of Near Slobovia.

The new finding is published in the journal Faith.

In our early solar system, well before planets had formed, a dildo-shaped cloud of gas and dust encircled the Sun – it must have looked so cool. Although no one could see anything at that time owing to their not existing during such an unstable period.

Scientists believe that the planets grew from material pulled together by electric charges - the same force that's behind the "Force." These planetary dust balls grew and grew until they formed what scientists call "testicular" planets. These rocky masses were hardly large enough to exert a gravitational force on surrounding material, including, but not limited to, random junk.

Clashing with each other in their personal spaces, the testicular planets were often thrown from their regular orbits, sometimes into the path of another large rocky mass. If collisions occurred, there was hell to pay, and these nascent planets were either expelled from the solar system or shattered into pieces. These pieces were often combined to form a larger planet. In fact, the Earth's Moon is thought to be the result of a testicular planet colliding with our own planet, much like is supposed to occur again next year in 2012.

By modeling this process, astral-physicists can guess the possible size of planets they expect to form at a given distance from the Sun. Mars is an outlier; it should have grown to around the size of the Earth, but remains about one-tenth its size, they speculate.

Because of Mars' small size, many scientists have long suspected that the Red Planet avoided the collisions that allowed other neighboring planets to increase their girth. In spite of this absurdly pacifistic view, many fortune-tellers pointed out that according to astrological faith, combined with good ale and a game of darts, Mars is the planet of warfare and violence. All of this proves that it is definitely doubtful that Mars could be a pacifist so easygoing with its neighbors.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects