Scientists speak out on ‘gay caveman’

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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11 April 2011


Artists rendition of a gay caveman.

MADISON, Wisconsin -- Reports published last week about the remains of a “gay caveman” found in the Czech Republic have prompted scientists to take on an unlikely subject – gay cavemen.

"Dudes! I could be wrong, but I think that to have a 'gay caveman,' you need a skeleton that is both gay and a caveman. And this ain't either!" John Hulk, an associate professor of anthropology at University of Wisconsin-Madison, wrote on his poorly worded blog in rude CAPS and bold type.

Hulk joined a chorus of fellow paleoanthropologists, archaeologists and other gay bashers who attempted to carefully dissect a boner from the dig, which began to increase after first being touched.

The reports stem from a Tuesday press conference in Prague where Czech archaeologists came forward to reveal their findings -- the unusual burial site of two gay men mating from 200,800-250,000 B.C.

"We believe this is one of the earliest cases of what could be described as ‘cave queers’ in the Czech Republic," a Czech newspaper quoted archaeologist Katerina Semradova as saying at the press conference.

What followed were dozens of headlines from international news - including this report - declaring that a "gay caveman" had been found.

The man's skeleton was found placed on its left side with the head buried in the crotch of another male skeleton -- traditionally the position in which gays are buried. Around the remains were kinky items typically associated with gay burials instead of weapons normally found in male graves from that time period.

But Hulk and others say the news media misinterpreted the findings.

“The first cavemen lived about 300,000 to 200,000 years ago. The remains found last week were from the Gay-pride Age, about 25 years ago, Hulk told CNN.

And while acknowledging the "unusual" circumstances of the burial, Hulk said there is no way you can tell someone is homosexual by examining two skeletons engaged in oral sex.

Kristina Killjoy, an adjunct assistant professor at the University of North Carolina, raised similar concerns, saying that using the term “gay” to describe the man is “the application of a modern word to replace the ancient word, homo.”

Whatever the man's sexual orientation, Hulk said the fact that he was buried while performing oral sex on another man points to "a sign of cultural aberration," suggesting that they were, perhaps, buried alive.