UnNews:Scientists make a sheep-human hybrid, bestiality enthusiasts pleased
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Scientists make a sheep-human hybrid, bestiality enthusiasts pleased
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 22:18:UTC)(
4 April 2007
PARTS UNKNOWN, Nevada- Just today, a crack team of American scientists successfully cloned the world's first part-animal, part-human hybrid on their Nevada farm. The creature, an 80 percent sheep, 15 percent human and 100 percent freak of nature, was aptly named "Baah-bara", in honor of the brave young woman that sacrificed her cells on a bloody altar in order to conduct the experiment.
The leader of the cloning crew was one Filipino Doctor Melke Mengele Moreau. Dr. Moreau was very pleased that his experiment was finally, and successfully, completed after over twenty five years of hard work.
"It really makes me happy that twenty-five years of my life attempting to play God finally paid off," said Dr. Moreau.
When asked about why he dedicated so many years of his life to pursue inter-species cloning, he responded: "When I grew up in my tiny house on a tiny island in the Pacific, my mother would always read me bedtime stories about people sticking it to the Man. In her case, she was training me to fight the American occupation that was occurring at the time, but I decided to take her message to heart and take it one step further. There is no greater Man than God, and by sticking it to him in such a fashion as this, I believe I have accomplished one of man's greatest achievements."
This interspecies cloning has brought about some unwanted side effects, however. Upon hearing of Moreau's accomplishments, Interspecies Erotica Rights Activist Jonathon Timberland was more than pleased.
"This news is one gigantic step in the right direction for us. I can't wait to tell everyone at the next BeastCon."
Yes, following the successful cloning, bestiality enthusiasts everywhere celebrated what they considered was their biggest gain in years. Timberland, being a turtle man himself, wasn't as happy as some of his friends sexually, but was absolutely ecstatic otherwise.
"This couldn't help my campaign for rights any more. Since the sheep is now 15 percent human, and will most likely be cloned even further for organ replication purposes, having sex with said 'Shuman' would technically be 15 percent legal by today's standards." Timberland went on to say that, with time, the animals would become gradually more human, and juries would have to bend down to his demands and legalize bestiality.
"Circular logic like that is what makes my experiments seem unsavory to the public," says Dr. Moreau, "The whole animal-fucking thing doesn't help either. I mean, can't a man defy the laws of nature without stirring unwanted controversy like this?"
When Baah-bara was asked to comment on the issue, she stated "the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain" with a 15 percent success rate.
- Dickey Pitt "Disgruntled non-beastiaholic rants about 'Frankensheep'". Zwire, April 04, 2007