UnNews:Scientists invent new fossils

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Scientists invent new fossils

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 22:05:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

7 April 2007

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Did dinos amnd man coexist

Cool poster depicting some, um... people, I guess? going to... um... an Ark? maybe? and a hungry dinosaur maybe... uh, wants to eat them?

ROME, PARIS, BEAUMONT, and OUTERMOST MONGOLIA - Scientists have reported a rash of newly created fossils, which include those of a gigantic whale (Rome), a 245-million-year-old amphibian, ancient chimpanzees (Beaumont, Texas), and a pair of raptors (Mongolia) to bolster their own and the public’s belief in Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.

“The only thing scientists haven’t invented yet,” Matthew Mark Luke, curator of the Christian Museum of Creation in Santee, California, told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies, “is the proverbial kitchen sink missing link.”

Italian researchers claim they “found” the four-million-year-old, 33-foot-long whale skeleton in the Tuscan countryside. Elisabetta (Italian for “Elizabeth”) Cioppi said, “The finding is spectacular, especially so far inland.”

Sculptors for the Museum of Natural History in Florence, however, admit that they carved the skeleton from the bones of several whales that died after beaching themselves on Italian beaches. They created the skeleton, they said, as an April Fool’s Day prank, burying it in the Tuscan countryside. Then, one of them notified Cioppi and her colleagues of the skeleton’s presence, allowing the paleontologist and her crew to “discover” the “ancient remains.”

In Antarctica, the alleged discovery of a 24-inch skull was carbon-dated, its discoverers claim, and was found to be 245 million years old, which places it in the Triassic era, an imaginary “prehistoric” time period. “It’s likely that the little bugger lived alongside Fred Flintstone,” British paleontologist Sir Reginald Balmy declared. “This could have been one of Dino the dinosaur’s own puppies!”

How man shrunk

Another, slightly more credible theory says that a closer lunar orbit with a smaller moon, had a greater pull thus enlarging animals and man.

Balmy and his peers have identified their “discovery” as a Sortasuchandsuch, a 6.5-foot “giant,” predatory salamander that lived 40 million years ago, in lakes and rivers and, according to Balmy, “would have made one hell of a bloody good watchdog.”

The plaster of Paris fossil has revolutionized Darwinian evolution, Balmy suggests insists: “The new specimen shows that conditions were mild enough in the late Early or Middle Triassic period to let a cold-blooded creature live near Pangea's southern margin, seasonally at least.”

The sculpture will repose in the State Museum for Natural History in Stuttgart, Germany, the Germans having been foolish enough to offer the highest bid for Balmy’s “scientific masterpiece.”

If it may be suggested that the sculpture of the whale was created as a prank and the fossil of the Sortasuchandsuch was created for economic gain, the alleged remains of the ancient primates and the raptors were created, it seems, to safeguard the myth theory of evolution advanced in the nineteenth century by Charles Darwin, the last descendant of the Neanderthals.

The papier-mâché chimps supposedly show that “Beaumont, Texas is famous for more than big belt buckles, cowboy hats, and redneck humor,” Dr. Beau Mont said. “They show our town was home to numerous types of primates 42 million years ago, give or take a millennium or two, and that, consequently, we’re all monkeys’ uncles.” A tenet of Darwin’s “thinking,” such as it was, is that modern human beings are descendants of apes. The discovery of the papier-mâché chimpanzees supports Darwin’s conjectures along these lines.

Christ hanging with animals

This painting proves Jesus hung out with all sorts of animals. Notice the polar bear resists the temptation to devour the Saviour.

“I can’t tell you how proud we are that they decided to make Beaumont their home,” Mont said, adding that the town’s mayor, Bubba Hayseed, plans to commission a local hillbilly to “cast a little more durable set of chimp skeletons, perhaps out of cement, rather than papier-mâché .”

The chimpanzee sculptures skeletons not only provide evidence in support of Darwin’s views on the origins of the human species, but they are also “sure to be a tourist attraction and a boost to Beaumont’s economy and it’s prestige.”

According to local paleontologist Bertha Bigg, the chimpanzee statues weigh two pounds and “ate a diet of leaves and foliage, excreting green fecal matter the size of a hen’s egg.”

Not to be outdone by the West, the Chinese have also created a fossil of their own--or a pair of them, to be exact. The new raptor dinosaur species was found in a cave in Outermost Mongolia, Dr. Ching Chang Chung said, and are made of jade, with ruby eyes. The raptors are “the size of wild turkeys,” Chung said, “and are among the best sculpted preserved of their kind," so closely resembling the avian-like lizard-birds depicted as raptors in the fertile imagination of Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park that, according to Chung, “they could have been modeled on them.”

What can be learned from this “amazing” fraud? “They were agile, fast, feathered bipedal predators with a wingspan of 12 feet, blue-eyes, probably blond, painted their claws, had long beaks, which they also painted, had an intelligence quotient between 140 and 160 on the Standard-Bidet scale, had high cheekbones, wore fur, and went by such Westernized names as Doris, Angelina, and Betty,” Chung said. According to the Mongoloid paleontologist, the dinosaur-birds also bore the Toyota logo stamped into their left hip bone and a species identification number, or SIN, on their vertebrae for “species identification purposes.” It is amazing, the scientist admitted, how the statues fossils support Darwin’s views that lizards evolved from birds.

The raptors will be borne through the streets of Tibet during the 2007 Annual Parade of the Phallus in October, if anyone cares for a closer look at the amazing jade fossils.

edit Source

Personal tools