UnNews:Scientists invent another life-extending pill

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Scientists invent another life-extending pill

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27 October 2016

Justin Bieber

The scientists' only attempt to retard maturation in a human went horribly wrong.

ST. LOUIS, Missouri -- American scientists report that they have devised a pill that could extend lifespans by a decade or more.

They describe, in the journal Deus ex Machina, a compound that occurs naturally in avocado, broccoli, and cucumber that has "remarkable anti-aging effects in mice," and potentially in humans. They concede that no one would want to eat avocado, broccoli, or cucumber, but express their hope that the compound might be put in pill form.

The researchers, from Washington University, which is in neither of the nation's Washingtons, were investigating a protein called NAD involved in energy production. As animals get older, the 'nads work less efficiently and efforts to inject it into the body, using a device they called a GO-NAD, failed.

Then they stumbled on a compound called NMN, about which UnNews interns have not yet devised comparable toilet puns. NMN is also found in cabbage and kale, and no one more pedestrian than John Kerry is going to eat them either. But hey! presto, the mice began pumping iron and acting cruder toward the ladies than even Donald Trump.

The article details the scientists' concerns that MMN could invigorate not only normal cells but cancerous ones. Consequently, the only human trial to date is being conducted in Japan, where any side-effects can easily be blamed on the nuclear power plant at what used to be Fukushima.

Earlier this year, other scientists claimed to have lengthened the lifespan of mice by 35 percent by cleansing their bloodstreams. This is usually achieved by pissing, but few Americans care to waste time doing that either. The research should give ordinary people new hope of decades of prolonged life — either that, or being turned into a mouse by swallowing a pill. Removing worn-out corpuscles that have a destructive effect is a concept that could even revive the Democratic column on the ballot, provided it could be peer-reviewed by November 8.

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