|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
1 March 2007
After almost 4 decades of uninterrupted experiments, Canadian scientists from the national laboratory on nuclear and particle physics (TRIUMF) have finally performed a real bit of Deus Ex Machina with Schrödinger's cat paradox. The aforementioned scientists were all somewhat mentally ill, because of their long term exposure to uranium while working for TRIUMF. They, of course, have been given compensation for this.
By enclosing 125 cats with a radioactive source in different boxes for 40 years, scientist have gathered enough statistical data about the cat-in-a-box paradox. In every case, after 40 years, the cats were dead. This has enabled a new study of theoretical particle physics that is soon to be published.
The communication director of TRIUMF was enthusiastic about these incredible results: "We never thought that we would gain such drastic statistical correlation in this experiment. A 100% chance of death after 40 years, Schrödinger would have never thought his paradox would be so heavily, and easily, destroyed."
Animal rights groups are currently protesting at the entrance gate of the Canadian facility and are asking for a change of the direction board. However, although the Canadian government has hired lots of Russian policemen to break up this riot, as of the 19th of September, there are still many tents around the buildings, and there are reports of cannibalism from the inside-out, as McDonald's is the only supplier of food to the poor, deranged scientists.