|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
14 August 2007
CHICAGO, Illinois -- Abraham Lincoln, who until very recently was considered one of the most noble figures in American history, is now in danger of losing his popularity forever. His reputation, and his standing in American history as the hero who invented the Big Mac, has been shattered by the recent scientific discovery that Lincoln had an unsightly wart on the left side of his face, the side seldom shown in portraits which belies a dark side to Lincoln.
Earlier this month, a study began, designed to get a more in-depth perspective of what the 16th President's facial structure was like. Scientists used a laser to scan several clay molds of the president's face that were created shortly before his death. The scientists discovered something that shocked them, and has completely changed the way American historians view president Lincoln.
The team of scientists discovered a small wart on the president's left cheek. "I was shocked, of course," says the lead scientist on the project, "Soon, my shock gave way to anger. I immediately threw away all history textbooks I could get my hands on. We all trusted this bastard, we called him a hero, and now what do we find out? He had...a WART!"
Various Christian-oriented family organisations are in an uproar over this discovery. "It changes the way we look at history, really," says Samantha Earwax, a representative of the prominent family organisation "DIE, GAYS, DIE!".
When asked how so, she responded "Well, here we thought Lincoln was some great national hero, a man worthy of all kinds of praise and recognition. But he was nothing but an ugly freak, who is unworthy of our little children's precious ears. If we are to keep our family values, all references to Lincoln must be removed from schoolbooks at once, and if he must be referred to, he should be called 'That Ugly President.'" It has been claimed that the wart had a mind of it's own and a preference towards pancakes and long walks, which the "The Ugly President" hated.
In one astonishing day, Lincoln has gone from being revered as one of America's greatest leaders to being despised by men, women, and children all across the nation. "I mean, sure, maybe he did save our country," said one anonymous citizen, "But, look at his FACE! couldn't he have...I dunno, gone to a surgeon and had it removed, or something? I really don't feel comfortable having my precious children look at that face. They'll have nightmares! Lincoln was nothing but an ugly, monstrous freak!"
When asked for a comment, the Rev. Al Sharpton said, "It kind'a throws you for a loop. You have to re-think everything" Sharpton continued "Maybe, Jefferson Davis was the great one, and slavery wasn't so bad after all." Sharpton's buddy, NYC Councilman and former member of the Black Panthers, Charles Barron agreed saying, "Maybe we've been wrong all along."
Most children's history books are being rewritten to depict Lincoln as a villainous character who puts rat poison in school children's milk and thusly gave the children a rare form of AIDS. According to the publisher of a major schoolbook, "I mean, maybe, maybe it would have been alright if he had had the wart removed, but leaving it on all his life? I'm afraid that just shouldn't be done. This man was the lowest piece of pond scum to ever live in America, and our children must be taught this. After all, we can't very well have our children learn to respect someone who is different, can we?"