UnNews:Scientists discover first evidence of rap music

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Scientists discover first evidence of rap music

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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24 June 2006

Caveman rappa

Check it.

Science recently discovered evidence for what may have been the earliest living rapper in the form of Bling found on a dead caveman. This caveman, lovingly named BB or "B-dawg" after the insignia on his necklace, is over 100,000 years old and was found in -------------------------wait for it------------------------- Israel! Of all places. To think. That's where rap came from.

Although it's too early to tell for sure, it is also believed that the caveman was the world's first gangsta and possibly even pimp[1]. The biggest pieces of evidence to support these claims are the fact that the caveman died during a drive-by shooting[2] and, thanks to copious amounts of his primal, ritualistic pimp loving, everyone on Earth shares some of his DNA.

Along with his "bling" scientists and other people that are better than you found him with grillz fashioned out of pebbles, glittery sand, and that goop that comes from snails, a hat, G-Unit brand shoes, two rings, and a wristband. All of these were shiny.

This discovery instantly infuriated several "Old School" Rappers, each claiming to be the real first real hip-hop artist. Several lawsuits have been brought up against the scientists who discovered B-dawg, as the rappers claim that cavemen are "just a theory" and that there should be "alternative theories". Anti-evolution, God-fearing Republicans soon jumped on the bandwagon and sued scientists for "withholding their God-given right to have an opinion". Within a week, as ruled by the Kansas board of education, the scientists were hogtied, skinned alive, and dumped into shark-infested waters, while B-dawg's remains were burned. Grandmaster Flash, Darryl "D.M.C." McDaniels, and MC Hammer proceeded to make a Hip-Hop supergroup and record a number one hit single, produced, of course, by Sean "P. Puff Puffy D. Diddy Daddy" Combs.

edit Footnotes

  1. Or at least one of those poser losers who thinks that they're a pimp.
  2. Well, you couldn't really call it a drive-by. It was in one of those Flintstones cars and the guns were slingshots with snails in them.

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