UnNews:Scientists discover bears that use toilet paper
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12 May 2006
Appalachia — May 12, 2006 — A team of international scientists led by Pauly Shore announced the discovery of at least one new bear species living in the appalachian mountains. Notably, the bears use toilet paper after they do their business in the woods, which is where bears do that thing.
During a five-week expedition through the mountains – including caves, cliffs and strange toilets hewn from trees and rocks, apparently by claws – the scientists were at first bewildered by the high levels of toilet paper wrappers neatly left in hollowed out tree trunks, and the lack of bear droppings. Scientists speculate that, by disposing of their droppings and cleaning their bear anuses, the bears have a survival advantage since hunters will be unable to use their droppings to track and kill them, but further research is needed to be sure. This research will probably involve a lot of bears taking a crap, but it is difficult to be 100% sure where the scientific method will lead.
"Woah, bears wiping their bear asses in the woods," commented Shore. "That's gnarly."
The areas surveyed by the expedition team currently have no protective status, and there is concern that unscrupulous toilet paper companies may co-opt these pure, innocent creatures as mascots.
"Like, we must protect the ass-wipe bears from corporate america," commented Shore, while smoking a fat, fat blunt. "Does anyone know where I left my hackeysack?"
Along with the new discovery, scientists also made the following important finds:
- At least two new species of begonias that subscribe to "The Economist"
- One new species of Turtle that shops online for busts of characters from "Silver Spoons"
- Two new species of snails that use dental floss for sexual purposes
- Several new fish species that have evolved to the point where they are intelligent enough to kill themselves, rather than live life as a fish.
The expedition was sponsored by the Christian Coalition, probably either by mistake, or while they were drunk.