UnNews:Scientists devote massive funds from cancer research to production of an 'orgasmatron'
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Scientists devote massive funds from cancer research to production of an 'orgasmatron'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 12:59:UTC)(
5 June 2008
Burslem, Stroke-on-Trent, ENGLAND: Cancer Research UK's tireless fundraising efforts, coupled with a massive anonymous donation, suddenly flooded scientists in Stroke-on-Trent with research money, last week. Anxious to put it to use saving lives of cancer victims, they quickly began running tests on all sorts of fancy sciencey things that UnNews's ADD-ridden reporter couldn't concentrate on long enough to write down. This did not last very long, however, as the funds were soon devoted to what scientists called a "way funnier thing."
UnNews interviewed John Chiefly, the science team's new leader, over the bat-phone. Yeah, we have a bat-phone. Chiefly had recently taken the place of the previous team leader, Liam Neon, after a violent scientific mutiny, the likes of which are surprisingly common among research groups of this nature. Said John Chiefly of the incident: "He just went on and on about how 'our work is important,' that we 'have to help these poor kids,' and that 'kicking the cancer patients down the stairs doesn't count as curing them.' Basically, he was a real square." Apparently, all of the hard work had caused Chiefly and his colleagues to grow weary, and so they began working on their "new project." "Well, we sorta got bored with dealing with the whiny bald kids after a while--it's only fun to laugh at their misfortune for so long, you know? Anyways, we're building orgasmatrons now."
Although it seems obvious from the name, UnNews was curious as to exactly what an orgasmatron is. "An orgasmatron is a machine that induces an intense feeling of orgasm in the subject it is 'orgasming,'" says research dungeon master, Billy Evans. "We simply strap the orgasmatron onto the subject, and let it do its thing. It's a bit akin to rape, but the "orgasmophiles," what we call our patients, or victims, love it!" says researcher, Joey Astly. The model our reporters were privileged enough to "experience" was the newest, a sleek, black, electric orgasmatron. According to a few burn patients next door, this new model is "a significant step forward from the coal-powered, steam-driven version" and should "significantly decrease, but not eliminate, the possibility of spontaneous combustion".
One of the technicians working on the orgasmatron took some time out of his busy schedule to tell us how the machine works. "It's actually very simple! The vict--I mean patient sits on top of a chair hooked up to an orgasmatron, and is then strapped down. Their proximal neurons are attached to positive emitters, while their distal epiglottis is induced to ooze and hooked up to negative wave emitters. Once the machine is activated, orgasmo-waves are projected through the emitters into the person's pleasure system, about 20 minutes south of the digestive system if you take the freeway. The patient feels no excitement. The machine then slides back to reveal a giant dildo. You can guess where it goes from there."
The orgasmatron was conceived, like all great scientific inventions, after a bet gone slightly awry. Evans was convinced that laughter was the best medicine, whereas Chiefly maintained that the best medicine was actually a series of numerous and uncontrollable sensations of pleasure emanating from one's erogenous zones. As Evans honed his stand-up comedy routine and spent hours watching Patch Adams over and over again, Chiefly spent his days and nights working in the lab. Soon, he presented a device, which he dubbed "The Orgasmatron." Though the bet was called off once it was discovered that scientists have no money, the Orgasmatron quickly caught on with those who had tried it, and was soon a screaming success.
Since its conception, many uses have been discovered for this piece of machinery. At first, it was used almost exclusively for practical jokes. A staunchy businessman would sit staunchly down on a seemingly innocent, staunchy chair to begin a display of staunchiness, only to begin moaning like a zebra in heat, to the great amusement of those around. The only problem this created was that it became difficult to convince the businessmen to return the orgasmatron after first being exposed to it. Apparently, many of them "liked it." Previous orgasmatrons have been sold unlawfully behind 7-11s in the past, and mentioned in the same breath as illegally overpowered vibrators and ecstasy. At last, though, its qualities have been studied enough to warrant its medical use. Today, Chiefly and Evans use their creation to help the orgasmically-challenged find new meaning in their worthless and miserable lives. Still, for them, this is only the beginning. Says Chiefly: "For us, this is only the beginning." Clearly, they intend to move forward with their work in the field of orgasmatron-development. "We intend to move forward with our work in the field of orgasmatron-development," he said. Chiefly also mentioned that their old boss, Liam Neon, maybe be returning to the project. "Hey, I never said that," Chiefly agrees cordially. "Fuck you guys!"