UnNews:Scientists confirm that there is lightning on Venus; conservative group concludes that there must also be gay people
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Scientists confirm that there is lightning on Venus; conservative group concludes that there must also be gay people
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 08:44:UTC)(
1 December 2007
WASHINGTON DC -- Yesterday, a group of diligent scientists working at a space observatory confirmed that the atmosphere of the planet Venus has lightning storms very similar to those on Earth. In response, an independent family organization called The Society for arriving at Scientific Conclusions Which Coincide With Conservative Values or SCWhiCWiConvV immediately began analyzing the result.
"The first thing we did was look through the Bible to see if there was anything blasphemous about this scientific conclusion," says society president Tendril Syrup, "Because the first step in our version of the scientific method is to check newly-discovered facts to make sure they don't conflict with our preconceived notions. We found that there was nothing about this fact that disrespected the mighty God in any way, so we concluded that it was now safe to acknowledge this scientific fact. That was the job of our Office for the Location of Unacceptable Facts. It was then passed on to our main board for further analysis."
The presence of lightning on Venus greatly puzzled them. "We said to ourselves, 'Why would God want to have lightning on any other planet than Earth?'" continues Tendril, "It really had us stumped for a while." After three hours of intensive pondering, the solution suddenly struck Tendril: "It was so simple! I should have seen it sooner! You see, the only reason that God could possibly have for making lightning on another planet would be a need to smite some evil sinners! And there's only one type of sinner so evil, they're capable of surviving even in the intense heat and thickly poisoned atmosphere of Venus: Gay people!"
According to their newly-published Venusian Gays Theory, Venus is populated by a widely scattered group of gay people, all of whom can use the powers Satan gave them, and black people, to postpone death in the horrid conditions that could kill most humans, or to lower the property value of your house. "The only way God could think of eradicating them was to create lightning storms on the planet and smite them while they're having barbaric gay sex out in the open, as they are known to do."
Pat Robertson has expressed his full support for this theory, because "It is a sound, American theory that I am willing to accept. And we all know that the only way to be truly scientific is to only believe in the theories that support your own viewpoints." Many scientists have dismissed the family group's conclusion as "Rubbish," and that it "is a scientific impossibility," to which the family group responded, "Yeah, well that's what they said about Paul Bunyan!"
Robertson and Tendril plan to collaborate on launching a space mission to Venus, with the purpose of using shock therapy to convert all the homosexuals to heterosexuality. "Of course, we men will have to be very careful, because we all know (thanks to the Scientific Principles of the Homosexual theory of last year) that the fact that a person is gay automatically means that he wants to rape every male he sees. I say he because the lesbians are okay. If they're attractive."