Scientists confirm life dull

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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7 November 2006

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"Why can't you leave me the fuck alone?"

NAPERVILLE, Illinois -- Scientists working with the Fermilab particle accelerator confirmed Tuesday that the Universe is much less exciting than previously thought, and in fact is downright dull.

The discovery, which will be detailed in next month's issue of Science Magazine, confirms a theory postulated by Austrian physicist Niels Bore in the 1940s that while life may be superficially lightened by mild amusements, at its core, life and the Universe are essentially dull and uninteresting with scattered pockets of tedium.

"There was an initial thrill when the high degree of dullness was first plotted," said Prof. Gerhard Mennish, director of the Quantum Multi-Spectrum Excitability Study, conducted under the auspices of Berlin Polytechniche Fahrensitzen. "But once the data began to repeat itself, over and over, we quickly took it for granted and wondered why we bothered in the first place."

Several religious leaders in the U.S. and abroad questioned the results, suggesting that the scientists failed to factor in the love of God and Christ when calculating the overall dullness of the Universe. Noted televangelist, Gideon Trumpet, said, "These scientists completely forgot about the glorious excitement and joy created through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

Mennish replied that religious leaders need to review the entire study, which clearly showed that any joy found through religion is mostly delusional, essentially false, and easily nullified by relatively short periods of misery and pain. Curiously, even temporary excitement caused by pain was ultimately dampened in response to disinterest.

"When all of the variables are factored in, we get a nearly straight line of boredom, ennui, and lack of purpose in existence," noted Mennish. "Not that it matters, really. Nothing does, so what the fuck, you know? Whatever."